In the Beginning ...

From High Above the Crowd ...

As I walked onto the stage and looked out into the newly refurbished auditorium I and my whole body immediately responded. "Wow," I exclaimed, recalling the formerly vomit-white colored room, now completely redone and gleaming with a beautiful suit of dazzling new colors. My eyes literally danced about, enjoying the pleasing arrangement and shades of off white, blue and maroon, highlighted by the beautiful original decorative wooden trim that now stood out with a radiance that was remarkable. Brand new seats, a richly deep pinkish hue in color with a beautiful blue patterned upholstery, all set in precise geometric rows, sparkled happily. The old, once dull auditorium now had the appearance and feel of an elegant theatre. The change was like the difference between night and day!

As show time neared I could watch it all, me being perched up high above the crowd, observing from the lighting and sound booth at the upper rear of the auditorium. The patrons ambled in quietly, chatting amiably as they sat in the comfortable new seats. Then, after the "house-to-half"  lighting cue, the audience was greeted by a member of the theatre ensemble who welcomed the patrons and thanked the city (who owned the building) for refurbishing the hall. When the newly painted and decorated walls were pointed out a murmur of muffled "O-o-o-o-o-o" rippled throughout the audience. Then, when the new seats were mentioned, the patrons looked down at the seats they were sitting in and again there was a murmur, as a soft "Oh, yes" flittered amongst the seated patrons.

Incredulous, I thought. How was it possible that over two-hundred people had not noticed the stunning decorative changes until they were specifically pointed out? The majority of these people had been sitting, chatting and looking around for at least twenty minutes. And most of them were season ticket holders, who had been attending events on and off in this very auditorium for maybe the last thirty years. I was utterly amazed and dumbfounded at the total lack of awareness the patrons exhibited regarding their immediate surroundings. I wondered how these people get along in life when they do not take time to notice what is stunningly blatant and almost smacking them right in the face, let alone see anything subtle.

The situation quickly brought to my attention how we cannot seem to see beyond the limitations we place on ourselves. When we judge against and somehow constrict the amount of vital energy that can vibrate within us—stupidly killing ourselves in the process—our ability to see and discern diminishes commensurately, making what may be glaringly obvious to someone else essentially invisible as though non-existent. But just like the audience that seemed woefully unaware to me, I, in relative terms, might seem very unaware to someone more energetically alive than I am. Just as with the people I was observing, I do not see or notice what I have made to lie beyond my own self-imposed limitations and unawareness. The good news is, happily, that no matter where anybody is in the chain of relative awareness versus unawareness, with the interest and motivation to change it is entirely possible to recover one's "lost" energy and the awareness that goes along with it. How far someone can go in this regard seems to depend upon how much determination they have to fully live, as well as how much willingness there is to make lifestyle changes that support the revitalization of oneself.

As for myself, I have chosen to "go all the way" in my awareness and lifestyle change adventure. This is because I want to live as fully as is possible, becoming a part of the whole of creation once again, something that no one else may want to do. Thus, I have been asking for and allowing myself to awaken, often to things most people never even imagine or think possible. All kinds of knowledge can spontaneously return (in feeling color and sound) to one's consciousness as the process of recovery and revitalization proceeds. As an example of what can happen, in the paragraphs below, I share some things I have uncovered and experienced during several awareness expansions that occurred for me circa 1993-94.

In The Beginning ...

There are several cataclysmic primal events that linger with varying intensity within my memory, each one initiated by what I call a judgmental acceleration. However, there is one colossal cataclysm in particular that stands out above all the rest, it, too, set into motion by a terrible cascading series of rapid and runaway choices (a judgmental acceleration) that quickened into a stormy fireball of frantic activity that, especially in this case, could be likened to a "big bang" type event. Although this immensely expansive event still remains a bit vague in some respects I know enough about it to confidently refer to it as the first or primal acceleration event responsible for what is recognized as consciousness as we know it today. Nonetheless, at the same time, I feel and sense that something similar came before it, and maybe another before that one, too. But whatever be the actual case here, for this writing I shall only be considering what I have arbitrarily called the first acceleration incident.

 What seems to have actually happened during this great and primal event became much less vague during 1995, when I recovered some additional "lost" mentality and feelings that held direct knowledge of this ancient occurrence. This recovery provided me with some very astonishing mental images and overwhelmingly intense gut feelings. To say the least, during the hour or so when the majority of the mental and feeling energy was expanding back into my awareness my mind often wanted to stop the movement of the intense feeling energies, a desire that prolonged the recovery process and made it more painful than it would have otherwise been. Of course, I have no actual physical proof of what I am relating here, only rekindled memories and feelings that seem to be confirmed by what is visible in the physical universe, and that also give me some valid looking answers as to how and why such events occurred.

The originating "mistakes" that tend to lead into explosive judgmental accelerations seem innocent enough, until the genie is set loose and out of the bottle. In the case of the first or primal acceleration, imagine yourself gradually awakening from a condition of no apparent previous self-awareness, gradually discovering yourself while comfortably happy and resting in a deep reverie, enjoying and pondering your sense of being something, but not knowing exactly what, or if you do really exist. You may have had a recent and similar experience of this kind, when awakening from a deep slumber, resting in a half-asleep, twilight state. During this eerie period of time you have an awareness that you exist, but perhaps no awareness at all of your physical body or anything else around you. You are dreaming, but simultaneously not dreaming, all at once. Any abrupt interruption to this delicate reverie can be quite a shattering experience, triggering "built-in" imprinting causing you to jerk and react quickly without any forethought of the consequences. Today, perhaps very fortunately so, due to our overall relative powerlessness, these knee-jerk type reactions are no longer universally shattering cataclysms that spawn galactic sized creations.

So, now, imagine turning back the clock to the beginning of time and picture yourself in a blissful twilight sleep, but instead of being a nearly powerless human, you are a primal being that has not yet diminished any of its inherent God power. As your self-awareness grows, eventually there is a point where you desire to explore and move, to stretch out and know yourself a little better. The choice to explore inspires some degree of physical displacement and movement, as the Will (your body) responds to the desires of your awakening mentality. But suppose that you did not yet know that you had a Will, or a body, or that some kind of physical movement could and would occur. Under these conditions the sudden and unexpected response of physical movement would come as a complete surprise, and might also be a bit jarring, interrupting the placid state of blissful reverie you had been cherishing. So, your mentality responds to this disruption by immediately judging the physical movement to be a slight irritation. Next the Will responds to the mental choice to be irritated with a feeling akin to fear. However, instead of understanding the intent of the fear message, which is a warning that something fearful is being created by the mental aspect, you misunderstand the feeling message, judging the fear feelings as an even greater irritation and simultaneously as something unwanted, to be pushed away and gotten rid of.

This perhaps innocent looking series of choices, insignificant as they may seem at a quick glance, is all that was needed to initiate a massive and explosive calamity, which was then only moments away. But how and why could such a thing happen? The whole process is rather simple, and logical. The increasingly accelerated desire to push disturbing and unwanted parts of oneself away evoke ever greater reactions from the Will, as it responds in kind to the increasingly more forceful desires and demands of the agitated mental aspect. The Will is not at fault here, it is the mentality that is to blame, but as the escalation of frantic responses grows and utter panic sets in the mentality has no way to clearly understand or deal with what is happening. The only reality the mental aspect can see is to blame whatever is causing the feeling disturbances, which is the Will, in its attempt to faithfully and lovingly respond to what the mentality is inspiring. As the acceleration gathers speed portions of the self are beginning to expand and tear away in ways that are seen as frightening. Because the mentality does not understand the reasons behind the increasingly disturbing movement it becomes alarmed, "automatically" choosing to further dislike or maybe even hate the latest feeling and physical responses, which in turn inspires the Will to respond in kind again, but with additional power and ferocity. A judgmental acceleration is well under way, with one choice instantly leading to the next more powerful and determined choice.

By this time the originating single series of successive choices branches out into two or more chains of accelerating choices, each chain going its own uncontrollable direction. As the process escalates further there become countless judgmental chains, each one with its own objective, and each one affecting all others. As the mix of all these divergent judgmental accelerations boil with increasing ferocity the Will continues to create what the mentality is asking, no matter that the mental aspect is unwittingly and painfully ripping itself apart, as the Will manifests a sum total response incorporating all the wildly made choices raging throughout the frantic mentality. Ultimately, the unawarely "asked for" result is a catastrophic expansion of consciousness that explodes outward, filling itself with an uncontainable panic and horrific terror that only adds more fuel to the whole process. Later, once the process had exhausted itself and the dust had more or less settled, what remained was the scattered debris of the ripped apart parental consciousness, which now laid scattered in fragmented bits and pieces over whatever space the uncontrollable expansion had opened. Then, after a period of dazed unconsciousness, the individualized fragments begin to reawaken unto themselves, moving and stirring with varying degree of awareness.

But the multitude of dazed fragments each carry some combination of inherited imprinting resulting from the horrific judgmental accelerations that boiled frantically out of control during the originating (big bang) parental event. This imprinting leaves each newly formed fragment destined to inspire new, although less powerful, variations of the original event, following the particular mix of inherited imprinting that it individually preserves. Preventing a judgmental acceleration is easily possible if and when the mechanics of consciousness are known, but, from my own experience, stopping such an event is only possible during the initiating stages, because once a certain threshold point is reached there is too much pandemonium to allow the mentality enough time to realize how to calm or altogether stop the escalating fury that is overwhelming it. But no matter whether the mechanisms are understood, or not, the process does eventually come to a natural end, usually fairly quickly, when the available Will energy has exhausted itself more or less completely.

About all that has changed since the beginning moments is that we, as fragments of fragments (ad nausea) of some originating parental entity, no longer have much, if any, real power remaining. This may be fortunate in one sense, because our relative powerlessness prevents us from doing too much damage to ourselves or anything else, given our almost complete lack of understanding in regards to how the whole consciousness thing works. Our little irritations do not accelerate into universe shaking events anymore, we having so little power remaining that we barely affect anything. The reasons for our current state of nearly total powerlessness can easily be traced back to the beginning moments of time, and the eons of judgment making that have taken place against parts of our mentality and the Will. In our feeble attempts to hide from and prevent any reoccurrence of the original terrifying holocaust we have literally killed ourselves by pushing away what we did not understand, like or want, rather than learn to deal with and love the miracle of life that has always been ours to enjoy.

Poor Little Me

My story, as the individualized blob of essence I recognize as myself, begins during a later, and much smaller acceleration event. Tears are falling from my eyes as I write this, my Will, body and parts of my mentality remembering and knowing all too well the unspeakable horror and pain that still lies unresolved at my core. Uncountable, divergent chains of judgmental choices were accelerating into a climatic frenzy of blinding pink and white flashes of light. One frantic choice led to a frenzy of new choices, all of which affected everything else, everything boiling with pockets of differentiating essence that were vibrating with an intensity that obliterated any hope of comprehension. It was happening so fast that I still have no way to sort out the fused together images that still inhabit my core mentality. Panic and sheer terror raged unchecked, permeating everything. The feeling aspect was already ripping itself away, leaving behind a mental inferno that kept on creating horrors far disconnected from any immediate hope of awareness. Everything was buzzing with an unforgettable sound, and moving and changing so swiftly that there was no chance of comprehending the galloping sense of terror that was consuming everything.

The process culminated in a horrendous expansion that left thrashed fragments of essence scattered over a vast area, much like the first huge parental expansion before it, but relatively much less intense. The violently ejected fragment of energy that was to be "me" was just one of countless still dazed and unconscious pieces that would eventually awaken and experience themselves as alone, abandoned and adrift in a huge physical reality dotted with distant points of light and hazy veils of swirling blue, purple and pink. In the comparatively calm aftermath of it all, I remember myself shivering as if terribly cold, but the tremors came more out of a deep sense of terror than anything else. When I was finally able to gather my wits and look around, what I saw stunned me. I did not have any idea where I was, or why. I shook for a long time with a great and cold fear. The horror that had birthed me was already mostly "lost" out of my awareness, and what remained was becoming quickly more vague and distant. About all that I knew anymore was that I was suddenly alone in the middle of a vast physical universe that had no precedent.

It was cold, and the surroundings were unfamiliar. Points of light of varying intensity dotted the dark background, and I felt lost from the feeling warmth that had been my home moments before. I was no longer part of what might be called the Godhead, an area with a distinctive shape, feeling warmth and glow. There soon followed many disquieting experiences, many of which I remember fairly clearly, but that are difficult to put into words, and that would definitely upset many of the prevailing beliefs on Earth.

What is important here is that I reacted to what seemed to confront me in very predetermined ways, although, at the time, I did not recognize my actions as a preprogrammed response. I did not yet realize that I was basically made out of imprinting inherited from an earlier parental source, which had become an interwoven mix of illogical and conflicting behavioral choices created during the horrific firestorm of mental actions and responses that ultimately produced the individualized me. I was programmed like a robot, destined to repeat the same mistakes as my parental predecessors, all due to the inherited imprinting that I did not yet see for what it really was. And like the originating acceleration events before me, I now set in motion my own version of the those primal mistakes, resulting in more fragmentation of what energy I still retained as mine, gradually leaving me with less and less total energy all the time. It was a process that would continue unabated, until the day I finally let myself realize what had happened to me, finally seeing beyond my imprinting and recognizing who and what I was, and why.

In retrospect, having now recovered a significant, but tiny bit of my "lost" self I can now look back and clearly see some of the now obvious mistakes I made, and that with each recurring denial and consequent fragmentation there was less and less of me to understand and deal with my perceived problems. The persistent tendency to solve problems by thinking I could get rid of what I did not like about myself, thereby splitting myself into more and more fragments, was rapidly diminishing my totality. Moreover, the child fragments I was ignorantly generating had much less overall awareness and ability than I, since they were made up of bits of unwanted and "incomplete" imprinting and functionality that I was judging and foolishly denying by pushing it away and outside of myself.

I was, along with all the other fragmented entities swarming ever more helplessly about in creation, becoming very lost in a physical reality that seemed to be increasingly against us all. The physical realm was more and more being judged as an enemy, one that we began to think had a power of its own, and that mostly ran counter to our desires and goals. It would be a long time yet before I would come to understand why outer reality seemed to increasingly have the power, while I and my friends increasingly became ever more powerless. Fortunately for me, my gross lack of understanding regarding how consciousness works is now coming to an end, after eons of self-created blindness. But this does not seem to be the case for many beings on Earth, who seem to have little intent to genuinely understand the causal influence of the mentality or its relationship to the Will, preferring instead to remain unaware, blaming and hopefully destroying what is perceived as outside of themselves.

Please keep in mind that what I am recalling here may or may not resonate with you, depending upon where you fit into the fragmentation picture in relation to me, and what early imprinting you may yet still be able to vibrate into your awareness. Much has happened in this universe that I have no knowledge of at all, lost or otherwise. The original, first expansive "bang" that contained everything has since fragmented into many differing event paths, all due to the broad range of choices that have been continually made. One of these primal fragmentation chains constitutes my cosmic lineage, others are less familiar to me, and some are completely foreign. To date, I have only come across a handful of people here on Earth who still retain any significant quantity of energy that I can directly feel as part of or similar to my parental source. And out of that handful, only one has kept himself together enough to enable the ability to remember and feel the kinds of early on adventures that shaped my cosmic experience.

But How Could I Possibly Know?

If you wonder how I could possibly remember such ancient things, let alone also feel them, you are not alone. Many people have thought this kind of thing quite impossible. Maybe you think I'm crazy, or that I am just making all this stuff up for some perverted reason. If you do, it is safe to say that you will never allow yourself to know very much about how such events might have worked to shape who you are, or to have the freedom to experience anything outside your currently acceptable paradigm. However, for anyone who is willing to peek outside the world they think they know there is a way to open the door to the usually unseen aspects of Creation. It requires dealing with the mentality in such a way that the Will aspect can sooner or later be allowed to act as an equal partner in life and guide the mentality in all its decision making actions. This can be a very frightening and dreaded prospect for an arrogant, doubting and/or non-trusting mentality, because it entails giving up mental attitudes reeking of superiority and thinking that the mind knows best.

Although I can easily put the process of how to do all this into words, those words are based upon my own unique set of interpretations, connotations that have evolved from my own direct experiences in dealing with the often intangible aspects of both the mentality and the Will. As a result, it can take a great deal of time and determination by someone, often by suffering through repetitious learning experiences, before there is a sufficiently precise recognition of what my words are attempting to convey. Skewing my verbal or written intent only slightly can mean failure in achieving or understanding what has become quite ordinary and straightforward for me. One way around this dilemma of misunderstanding is for someone to spend time with me and my awareness associates, because a lot can be conveyed and transferred during personal interactions that has nothing to do with words, either written or spoken. Those who have done this seem to fairly quickly absorb through some form of osmosis that which my words alone cannot easily convey.

However, being in my presence is generally not a practical solution for most people, nor for me, and even if this is attempted you probably will not tolerate being in my presence for long, This is because, as a nephew of mine once put it, "the trouble with being around you is that people have to deal with themselves." I consider this a compliment, and a reflection that I like, because it shows that I am willing to deal with myself. But his statement is also true, because when someone stays around me for very long awareness stuff does start happening, and often the person's Will gets activated enough to trigger up all kinds of otherwise hidden mental fears, beliefs and sensations that quickly become an excuse to stop the process and run away. Unless someone has the presence of mind to keep whatever happens unreal, which for a newcomer is most unlikely, whatever fears, doubts, suspicions and beliefs are triggered often get projected onto me and my friends, along with whoever else might be present. When this kind of thing happens the visitor mistakenly perceives us as an enemy or whatever, blaming us for whatever seems to be taking place and confronting them. They do not understand that during periods of heightened mental and Will activity whatever is in the way of making the next awareness step forward will be triggered and activated, so that what is holding someone back can be observed, dealt with and resolved. The neophyte, unfortunately, rarely sees this kind of triggered activity as a blessed opportunity to engage a new and more joyous life, and fails to understand that their Will aspect is being enlivened and more able to touch their mentality in ways not normally allowed. Thus, what could have been a real boon becomes just another defeat, all because any increased Will activity tends to greatly amplify what had previously seemed like a relatively insignificant ripple by suddenly turning it into a big and threatening tidal wave of misperceived consequences, even though nothing will have changed except the person's enhanced awareness of it.

This kind of triggering is a normal and a very beneficial part of the miracle of life, allowing someone to actually uncover and then deal with hidden and "lost" parts of the self that would otherwise go undetected. Then, as the Will becomes progressively more active, bigger and more powerful mental and feeling denials can be triggered up, with everything getting much more intense, maybe seemingly unbearable at times. Progress will probably be mistakenly judged as going backwards, maybe even as dangerous, as everything seems to get painfully serious. The mind may panic, insisting that becoming more aware is not the way to go, and/or that what is happening is somehow bad, the mind craving the perceived safety of its former comfortable unawareness. Anyone who has done much of this kind of awareness work knows all too well that it is virtually impossible to know or sense any forward progress, especially at times when the mind and Will are unloading past conditioning and your life seems to be uncontrollably falling apart, as the old, entrenched mental and feeling structures disintegrate and fall away to make room for something new.

During periods of such mental and emotional tumult recognizing that the miracle of healing is taking place can be nearly impossible for the neophyte, or even the advanced awareness student, because everything will seem to be rapidly getting worse. Getting through all the imaginary obstacles that present themselves without giving up in despair is the trick. You just have to keep on going and going again, until you have recovered enough awareness to genuinely see through the self-created illusions, which is, as a rule, the deciding factor as to whether someone has enough intent to really do what it takes to fully live, or not. The good new is, for anyone who can stick it out long enough and learn to deal with what is triggered up the time spent in our presence tends to make the awareness process relatively fast and simple.

So what to do? From my perspective I advise you to do whatever you want. It is all up to you to take the first steps, or do nothing at all. I have already been motivated enough to take not only my first steps, but many thousands more! I will happily assist someone who wants to move forward, but I will let go of anyone who tries to hold or pull me back. It is not my right place to coax or push unwanted changes on anyone. It is no skin off my teeth to leave someone behind to rot and die if they choose to fight me, when lethargy and death is the outcome they really desire. Happily, I do not have to participate in such a dismal reality unless I want to do so. Thus, I, and some of my friends, shall continue to gather our lost powers so that we can eventually get ourselves home, back to our right place, and leave everyone else to enjoy the reality they insist on having. This is what I am enthusiastically doing, day by day collecting the denied energy that I have left scattered here and there, much of it lost in a misguided effort to help that which did not really want help in the first place.

My Vantage Point of Today

While most people here on Earth insist that death is a necessary and maybe even wonderful experience, a portal to another (heavenly) realm, or so some people say, this approach to life does not look nor feel good to me. Moreover, death was not ever a part of my experience before descending to Earth. Thus, suffice it to say, I do not feel at home here, just as the people who insist on believing in the reality of "death and taxes" tend not to feel comfortable in my presence. But this mutual repulsion is to be expected, nudging us apart and toward the appropriate reflections and realities suitable for our wholly different outlooks. So, then, you ask, why did I come to Earth? I have asked myself this very question numerous times, and it is now obvious to me that coming here was a big mistake. Moreover, had I paid attention to my gut feelings I would never have allowed myself to be swayed into taking on the journey. But, foolishly, I did not pay attention to what I already knew deep down inside. Instead, I pushed my feelings aside, putting myself at risk, simply because I judged that I had to be a good guy, an unselfish hero, who would dive into the unknown danger and rescue the universe from some kind of perceived evil, no matter whether I knew what to do about what I might encounter, or not.

Many of my friends and beings "out there," who were playing and enjoying themselves in bodies that were fluid and magical in nature, had become very concerned as to what appeared to be happening in places like Earth, a mysterious looking locale where the energy of it was becoming alarmingly densified and dark looking. We questioned whether, or not, what we were observing (from a great distance away) might be some kind of sinister force that was invading and overtaking these distant outposts, and, if so, was this a growing danger to ourselves and to Creation in general. Many explorers, some who had been close friends, had gone to places like Earth in an attempt to discover what the "problem" might be, but none ever returned. This intensified the mystery and the feeling that something might be terribly wrong. That all these powerful and highly intelligent beings just seemed to disappear into the enveloping darkness, never to be seen or heard from again, was very unsettling and added to the general conclusion that something awful was happening.

When I was first asked to go investigate and help resolve the Earth issue I, at first, refused, knowing that it was something I did not feel safe in doing. But, since some of my close friends had vanished in the growing darkness I finally allowed myself to be coaxed into making the descent to Earth, telling myself that maybe I could find and rescue my old friends, with me being a sort of hopeful last resort. But I was woefully unprepared for the effects of rapid compression and densification forced onto me, my mind going wild, intensely triggered by the mental and physical changes encountered when entering into the prevailing energy intent that caused the Earth environment to be so dense and predictably constant. Due to this misunderstood tangle of mental stuff triggered up, and that burned unfettered throughout my mentality, I suddenly found my body unable to react, move and be as freely fluid as I was accustomed, causing me to make more judgments that further inhibited any former abilities. As misbegotten judgment making and the denials they created continued to inflict damage on me, it was only a short time before I was trapped here on Earth, just like my former comrades who had come here earlier.

During my less than joyous stay here, I have found only a few energy remnants of my formerly "lost" friends. Over time they had fragmented and almost wholly intermingled themselves with foreign energies holding antagonistic attitudes and intent, so much so that they perverted what remained of themselves into a nearly unrecognizable oblivion. Thus, it appears that my rescue mission is more or less over, mainly because there is nothing substantial remaining of my old friends to take home. However, I will not be returning empty handed, as I now understand how the self-created trap of suffocating density, collapse, illness and death is created, and how easy it is to fall prey to the nearly imperceptible little steps that lead inexorably to a loss of energy and awareness, and that sooner or later can lead an entity unawarely into total extinction. So, I have theoretically resolved the Earth issue, and will have done so in practical terms when I conclude collecting my "lost" self to the point where I can reverse course and ascend out of here, returning home relatively unscathed and much, much wiser.

The Journey On Earth

Some of my many earthly lifetime adventures seem to have occurred in and around the Himalayan mountain and valley areas, then later gradually spreading into parts of China, Mongolia and India. This was a time of high physical energy for me, my body not yet nearly as dense and sluggish as it is now. Numerous bits and pieces of past life situations from this period have emerged, and in these visions I am consistently wearing a long, off-white, flowing robe, and often seem to be in the role of a "high priest" or "spiritual leader."

Somewhere in the mix of adventures was at least one lifetime that seems to be in what might have been the fabled empire of Atlantis. It was in 1992 when I met Doré, a lady who enjoyed a talent for automatic writing. During these writing sessions her hand was guided by her ancient friend Gamal, who supposedly last incarnated during the final years of Atlantis. According to Gamal, he and I were close friends in Atlantis, and I was the last of the Atlantean "Crystal Masters," an impressive title that I can neither confirm or deny. Whatever the truth might be, however, I do remember a place that could have been in Atlantis. It was an advanced culture living on a community of large islands. During the last hellish days the sky was a sickening "yellow," and filled with a piercing energy that audibly buzzed with the sound of impending doom. I sat alone in a dark, cavernous stone slab building, pondering the fate of me and my fellow citizens, knowing that some kind of unpleasant end was drawing near.

Moving ahead, during the time when the Christian movement was in its infancy, I clearly remember one distinct life experience that involved a fiery interaction with a significant leader in that movement. I call this event the mountain pass incident. From about 800 AD through maybe 1400 or 1500 AD there were many lifetimes spent principally in England and Scotland, with at least one incarnation that seems to be Italian, and another in Asia. The entity who is my physical mother of this lifetime I first met about 800 AD, or so it yet seems, and I have more or less associated with her in many lifetimes since.

One particularly poignant lifetime that comes to mind is when I was a very respected and admired king, and was mortally wounded in a pivotally important battle. I was carried back to a tent, far away from the bloody battlefield, where I laid dying. I remember the soft but fatal pain, as my body gradually shut down due to the gory and immobilizing wounds. I was looking up at the battle clad noblemen who stood surrounding me. They wept painful tears, wanting to assist me, but were helpless to do so. One of them knelt beside me, tightly gripping my hand. I admired the bright colors of his battle garments shimmering in the misty light that seemed to penetrate everything. I was dying and I knew it, as did everyone else in my presence. I could no longer help them win their gallant battles. I remember leaving my body and gently drifting upward and away, already making plans for my next incarnation.

Sometime beginning around mid 1500 to 1600 AD there were numerous lifetimes in North America, ranging from the Eastern Seaboard to the Great Plains regions, as well as a few South American Mayan episodes, always as some kind of respected leader. My last life experience, before this current one, was in Germany, during the rise of Nazism. This one ended in maybe 1934 or 1935, judging from the surroundings I can visually recall, when I was shot dead by a Nazi henchman, probably due to my non-conformist ways of thinking and speaking. It was no secret that I did not much like or support the political ideology and what was being created. I can still clearly remember walking along a beautiful, tree shaded sidewalk and glancing between two widely spaced buildings and seeing the assassin with his pistol in hand. He was proud and rigid in his handsome, black Nazi uniform, and was a man that I recognized as having once known briefly. He hesitated, considering what he was doing, and then fired a single shot. He was standing maybe thirty feet away. I felt the bullet sizzle through me and my body start to collapse. The beautifully green trees lining the street and the sidewalk pedestrians looked as if to swirl in beautiful detail as I fell, my vision remaining fully functional until my last visual impression of the sidewalk, just inches before my head hit its hard surface.

The journey on Earth has not been a particularly pleasant one for me. Although I have had many lifetimes as some sort of leader, such as royalty or a high priest, nothing here yet comes close to the eternal joy and deathless beauty that was a natural consequence of being alive in what I once knew as my home. Many people on Earth seem to be deathly afraid of going to a place they call hell, but I cannot imagine that it could be much worse than what has already been created here on Earth, although this is only my opinion. What seems like hell to me may be a joyous heaven to someone else. Nonetheless, from my perspective, leaving Earth will be like leaving hell. But truly leaving means taking all of myself, and not lifting out and leaving behind the parts of me that cannot yet vibrate strongly enough to go along, which includes the physical body that brought me here in the first place.

For Those Who Choose to Stay On Earth ...

As mentioned earlier, my job here is essentially done, or nearly so, having learned what I came here to learn. What remains for me to do is get myself back together and then go back to where I would like to be. In the meantime, as I continue to recover myself, I am very happy to share what I have learned with anyone who is genuinely motivated and interested. But be aware, I do not propose the typical "love and light" approach, whereby one hopes to lift oneself above what is judged and perceived as lower or "bad." Nothing is bad, perhaps unpleasant and painful, but not bad in the sense that it must be destroyed to be gotten rid of. Everything is energy, and as such it comes from the same primal source. The trick here is to discover why loving energy has been forced to be violent, and then resolve the reason for this kind of behavior. The desire to be a moral commando and go after and hopefully destroy the so-called bad only adds more power to any painful situation, and can force the manifesting energies under attack to mutate into new and more sinister forms, only to come back at its detractors in new and maybe more agonizingly violent ways. Moreover, fighting requires that someone first create what is to be perceived as "bad," so that it can then be fought. All this silly mental game playing makes fighting against "badness" a waste of time as far as I am concerned. Instead, I suggest the complete resolution of any root causes, which, for most people, seems to be a lot less fun than fighting. Thus, with this kind of competitive attitude, what is the point of putting out effort to actually resolve any of the real issues, especially when doing so allows the "bad" stuff, which is the very stuff judged to make life interesting and worthwhile, to dissolve of its own accord, freeing the energy so that it can evolve into something new and more enjoyable.

As for those who truly like the way it is on Earth, merely hoping to somehow beat the odds and have a little bit better life, good luck! Personally, I do not enjoy participating in a societal reality where self-abuse and punishment is the norm, and pretense, deceit, collapse, illness, decay and death is the ultimate reward. But having to deal with the debilitating foibles of mankind has made it easy for me to more fully appreciate my former out-of-this-world heritage, and it has provided an incredible incentive to learn how to resolve the causes behind the misery and death that I fell victim to myself. While my journey to Earth has had its unpleasant moments, it has been anything but in vain, and being here has caused me to develop and evolve the tools that will allow me to eventually earn my total release from all forms of physical limitation and bondage. It is now very obvious that what is happening here on Earth is not a threat to the universe or to anyone who is willing to accept without pretense or fear the totality of who and what they are and then do something about it. We all have free Will, and the ability to live exactly as we may choose, limited only by the kind of reality we inflict on ourselves. This means that you and I have exactly the reality we have been asking and praying for, although we may have created that reality through gross misunderstandings and ignorance. As for me, one day, hopefully in the not too distant future, I will be ready to return to a place that feels like home to me. Once there I may look back toward Earth wistfully, remembering the parts of my former friends that no longer choose to be free, but I probably will never return.

April 4, 1999