The Unseen Motivation Behind the Awareness Teacher
Although I have only written some eight blog entries thus far, they are probably plenty to allow the wonderfully busy minds of you folks who bother to read this the opportunity to judge, judge and judge some more what kind of person I am. Maybe not, but probably, and it's neither good nor bad. People judge; it's what they do. Those of you who think you know me might be surprised at the tone of my blog entries. Those of you who know me well, probably not at all.
It seems the only time I'm not what most would judge to be a cantankerous, angry, outspoken, arrogant, difficult, asshole of a person to deal with is when I'm either at home with only Terry and no people around, or if I'm out amongst humans interacting with someone who hardly knows me for some sort of business transaction, like buying underwear or carrot juice. If you are one of those I have worked with in my little awareness realm then I can only imagine what you might think of me. I wish you could walk a day in my shoes so that you could truly understand why I was the way that I was with you, and why I would be again. I wish you could feel the love that is the source behind what you so often had judged as anger or hatred or arrogance, but, then, you can only see yourselves...at least that part of yourselves that you let yourselves be aware of. It's funny for me to think that I went through all the same kind of stuff with Terry and a couple other people who were ahead of me at the time...and they were at times much "harder" on me than I have been with anyone.
I thought it might be helpful to write a bit about my life beginning when I started this awareness journey, as well as what life had become for me from the time I passed through that magical threshold moment that seemingly separates ignorance and confusion from the beginnings of awareness and knowledge (at least whatever level of awareness I have attained up to this point).
It took me more than five years of diligent work to get to the place where all of the things I had read, and all of the time I spent with Terry, Audrey and Annette, finally started to come together and make sense. And by "diligent" I mean I lived with them, spending every waking moment that I was with them asking questions, reading and discussing everything and anything that came up. I loved it, although as time went on during those 5+ years things intensified greatly. There were times when I hated and feared all of them for behaving towards me the same way I have behaved towards those who I have worked with. Fortunately for me, I eventually came to understand why they were doing what they were doing. It was all for my benefit, but only if I was willing and able to see through my own judgments, which were often triggered and working very hard to mislead me and take me as far away from this work as I could go. There were two occasions when things got so intense for me that I thought I couldn't handle them and so I quit—temporarily, as it turned out.
Both of these instances brought about the most profound breakthroughs for me, but only because I didn't pack up and leave, albeit it was close once, but I made it through my own resistance and progressed. Now I understand why they were so seemingly tough on me. It was because it was what I needed. I realize now that they were responding to the way I was behaving and my intent, and not the other way around. To be successful at this work requires the student to be proactive, NOT the teacher. The teachers are REACTIVE, meaning that they assume the student is there because they want what is offered, and so the teacher waits for the student to do or say something that opens up an opportunity inside themselves, which then gives the teacher something to feel coming from the student, which then opens the possibility of something truly magical occurring—if the student allows it.
As I look back on those first five or six years the process for me went from one of being primarily mental to one of gradually becoming more and more about the feelings. All the time I was reading and understanding things mentally there were deeper things going on inside, some which I could feel but did not understand and some which I didn't feel. As my mentality was gaining more and more understanding, my Will was beginning to awaken. The mental preparation and my intense interest in this work is what spurred that awakening deeper and deeper. I can't tell you how many times I trembled in fear, bawled my eyes out and experienced, vibrated and expressed numerous other emotions, some that don't even have names and can't be described with mere words. And then at some point I found myself looking back on everything I had gone through and realized that this shit really works and suddenly I'm seeing the world through eyes I hadn't even realized I had! This is how it happens. One day, or rather a series of random days, when you find yourself looking back on some experience you suddenly realize that you got something out of it because you find yourself seeing or understanding something you hadn't even realized you understood. Up until that point of realization you thought you didn't understand. It's funny as hell when it happens. So, that's what it's like to "cross the threshold," so to speak. You work your ass off, likely for years, working through paradox after paradox, at times facing a bunch of scary shit, and eventually it all makes sense and what was once scary is now funny.
So, one might ask, after going through all of that why aren't you a happier person now? Well, here's another paradox: I am happier. It's all a matter of perspective. In one sense I'm happy because after muddling through my life for 25 years, knowing that there was something that made me very different from people in general, but not knowing what it was, I finally feel like I am doing what I am meant to be doing and I belong here doing it. I never fit in completely with anyone, and I did not have much drive to do anything that most humans like to do, like finding a career and getting married and having kids. Now I feel like I have found my calling in life. You could call this the big picture view. The reason for all of the misery, anger and general unhappiness that I feel and express at this point in my life is because of the stage of progress that I am at in the overall scheme of this work.
After sufficiently and, I daresay, almost completely crossing through the aforementioned awareness "threshold," where I felt that I was finally beginning to understand this work, it seemed that my Will began a process of "dumping it's load." My mind was by now basically prepared to deal with all of the shit that I had created and/or denied from so long ago, all of which must be resolved to be able to experience all of the wonderful things that come as a result of staying on the path. I will feel it all and let it all live for as long as it takes to complete the process.
So, what is life like for me now? I'll tell you. It SUCKS! Not completely and not all the time, but it's hardly ever wonderful. I often feel like the kid who "sees dead people," only he has it easy. Most human beings to me are like walking zombies. They are more dead than alive. I can see it in their bodies, on their faces, hear it in their voices and in the way they smell. I have become painfully aware of what humanity is doing to the planet and I am quite certain that they won't stop until it's fucked up so badly that it can't be reversed; at least not without a dramatic decrease in the human population, taking it back down to low millions instead of billions. Smog is in the air everywhere. Pavement and buildings are favored over trees and grasses and wildlife. The signs of humanity's growing "busy-ness," i.e., the primary mental masturbation humans use to keep their minds "busy" so as to not let any nasty knowledge of their true heritage slip into their awareness, is killing more and more of the life on this planet. It's ironic as Hell, because it's the very life that humanity needs to sustain itself, and it won't be able to do so for much longer the way things are.
I have pretty much gotten to the place where most everything people perceive about what they call "life" is what I would call death. Everything mankind is doing is drawing them closer and closer to their ultimate demise and it is absolutely everywhere. You, dear reader, make hundreds and thousands of decisions and actions every day, each of which helps to expand the ever increasing snowball that is man's eventual destruction. And you see it as and call it "life." I used to do this as well. I have vague memories of when I was that ignorant, although I was never as happy as most humans seem to be.
It's near impossible for me to be happy about much of anything when everywhere I go and everywhere I look I see humanity choosing and creating their own death and destruction, and I'm not about to go back into denial of it all just so I can live a "normal" human life again. Killing myself with food, alcohol, drugs, intentional ignorance and fragmentation as a result of trying to force myself into a lifetime of bondage and further fragmentation by creating children with someone I have a more than likely probability of eventually hating just doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun to me. It's certainly not a happy alternative to what I'm experiencing now. No, I'm quite content to stay on this path and be as miserable for as long as it takes to get through it all and be forever done with it. At least this way there is the hope of potentially ending all of the pain and suffering, as opposed to the alternative, which mankind seems to love and embrace.