My Journey Into the Unknown

Revised in February, 2004

Absolute Knowing is absolute Power, and it is of the Will's Domain. As such, it is not a function of the Mentality, except in the case of the unaware and utterly powerless person who does not know that they do not know.

Index of Sections
Go-to 1: Fallen from the Stars
Go-to 2: Shifting from The "Real" World to My World
Go-to 3: Standing at the Starting Gate
Go-to 4: Learning to Love Myself
Go-to 5: Letting Everything Turn Upside Down
Go-to 6: Preparing to Awaken the Will
Go-to 7: Reversing the Purpose of the Will
Go-to 8: Recovery of the Self
Go-to 9: Personal Power and the Will
Go-to 10: In Conclusion

Fallen from the Stars

Terry Hathaway at three to four years old.I was sitting on the grass in a small side yard, its boundaries marked by a whitewashed picket fence. It was a pleasantly warm summer afternoon. I remember wistfully gazing up into the spreading branches of a magnificent old English walnut tree, pondering, wondering how and why I had gotten myself born into my current earthly family. Why this particular set of parents, I asked myself, and why was I so fortunate to be living way out in the country where it was peaceful and quiet, instead having to live in a cramped, dirty, and noisy city? I could sense that the answers to these vexing questions swirled inside me somewhere, but I could not quite bring what I needed to see into focus. So, there I was, frustrated with my own self-induced ignorance, but happily living in beautiful and peaceful surroundings with birds happily twittering amongst gorgeous flowers that filled the air with their sweet scent, while at the same time much of the World was engaged in a viciously ferocious World War.

To say that I felt like an extraterrestrial who got lost here and could not quite figure out what to do about it or how to get back home was quite an understatement. But how and why I  had become so powerless as to be essentially trapped here, confined to a physical reality that was so devoid of the color and majesty that still danced in my memories, remained, at least for the moment, a complete and utter mystery. Little did I know that the answers to this haunting mystery would one day be gradually as well as starkly revealed, but not for another fifty years.

I spent a lot of time alone, serenely observing my perceived universe, all the while enjoying the beauty, peace, and quiet of my apparent choice for a physical home, feeling free to explore the spacious fields and orchards that spread out happily over the countryside. But my sense of joyous freedom and safe exhilaration was soon to wither, because upon entering Kindergarten I began mingling with and taking in the righteous concepts and ideas of a society that essentially feared life, although claiming the opposite, but still going about filling it with heartbreak, pain, toil, greed, misery, and war. My mother walked me to school on that fateful first day. I hated the school, and clung to her, crying and screaming for her to let me leave and go back home. But, of course, rules were rules, and my mother thought she had to obey all of them, saying "it was all for my best good." The kindergarten teacher held me back as my mother left the room. My schooling in the ways of death and how to fit in with a society that was at war with half the world had begun in earnest.

Now that I was finally old enough to be enrolled in school it was time to be given some warnings about life. One of my first important lessons about the "real" world came from my mother, who sternly warned me "never to get in a car with a stranger!" She then told me a horrible story about the famous Lindbergh kidnapping. It had not occurred to me that someone would kidnap or try to kill me, but now, I reasoned, I must fear the half-dozen or so cars that traveled down the country lane that ran past my house, even if these few automobiles were filled with people I recognized. But this lesson in fear was only the beginning of my required education, and it was not long before I convinced myself that I should pay attention to all the so-called "truths" I was being purposefully taught.

Next I learned that in order to fit in with family members and my school mates I had to, at the very least, act as though I accepted all the proffered rules and judgments about life, otherwise I would be considered to be stupid, weird, lost in a dream world, possibly a troublemaker, or worse. Since I could not quite remember how I had gotten myself to earth, or why, and it seemed like I was probably going to be stuck here for quite a long time, I let myself absorb and become lost in the rules and ideas I was being taught. But no matter how much I tried to mold myself to what people seemed to demand, I just did not quite fit in or belong. Nonetheless, I kept on trying anyway, ignorantly pushing away and killing off rebellious bits of myself to do so. It was a hellish way to live, but one that I made myself endure regardless of my secret inner desires and feelings to the contrary.

The years rolled by and I continued numbing and deadening myself, little by little, hoping that I might have at least a few real friends and maybe find some kind of temporary happiness. But, as I should have recognized beforehand, killing off parts of myself could not bring any kind of temporary or lasting happiness; only the increasing morbidity of an approaching self-inspired extinction. By the time my high school years had finally droned by and into my rear view mirror the accumulation of all those so-called important "truths" I was begrudgingly acquiring became quite a hefty burden, as they literally suffocated the life out of me. But rather than stop and look at what was really happening to me I unawarely continued on with the process of losing myself, not paying any attention to the fact that I was also making my chances of ever awakening to my lost power and majesty more and more remote.

My life seemed pretty dismal before it became unavoidably apparent that I could not go on much longer the same old way, and that some kind of definite reversal of course was needed if I were to remain alive and vital. But to my dismay, even when I was so sick and tired of my lifestyle that I could hardly stand it, I was still not motivated enough to make any appreciable change. Thus, due to my ongoing reluctance, it would be years before anything major could change for me, because, looking back, there was more pain, misery, and defeat to experience before I would be truly ready and willing to accept and make use of the miracle of life that was patiently waiting for me.

2 - Shifting from The "Real" World to My World

The Hathaway & Bowers, Inc., logo, circa 1967.It was around 1970 when the forces for change had built up sufficiently within me to attempt ushering in some new patterns of thinking and behavior. They had been simmering just under the surface for awhile, but I was still not wanting to pay much attention to them. I was much too busy enjoying what I thought was a good life. This was during the time when Hathaway & Bowers, Inc., the company founded by Q. Dave Bowers and myself, was at the height of its whirlwind business of world-wide buying and selling of antique automatic musical instruments. It was a hectic time, with frequent jet-setting trips around the world, meeting all kinds of people, as well as keeping up appearances, all of which kept me completely occupied doing and having all the things expected for any successful and "happy" business person. But even amidst all the exciting attention and activity, I could not help but vaguely notice that something deep inside me, located down in the pit of my gut, was feeling as though it was literally rotting away.

Hathaway & Bowers, Inc., Advertising Postcard, circa 1968,
showing various automatic music machines on display in the showroom.

Hathaway & Bowers, Inc., advertising postcard, circa 1968.
Looking at the lower left quadrant, the two men standing in front of the large Wurlitzer
Style 32 Concert PianOrchestra are Terry Hathaway (at left) and Q. David Bowers (at right).

Thinking and hoping that I was strong, ever resilient, and could overcome such unwanted sensations, I just worked harder to be more successful and happy, insisting that I was making steady progress in all ways. But no matter how much additional effort I exerted, pushing myself to work more diligently at making myself eternally cheerful, something deep down inside just got more sour and was anything but cheerful. Over time, it continued to feel darker and increasingly dis-eased, alarmingly so at times. Still, I fervently and forcefully kept my focus on the fixing up and improvement of my perceived outer reality world, all the while keeping myself very positive about the "wonderful" things I thought I was accomplishing.

But the feeling inside deteriorated in spite of my happy facade and hopeful attempts to delude myself. Although there was no discernible medical problem, part of me instinctively knew that something inside me was literally dying. My avoidance of it did nothing to allay my growing fears that something "bad" was happening. I had no idea what to do to improve my situation, except maybe to be more positive in my outlook. But the more upbeat I tried to become, and the more I pretended that my life was grand, the more my heart and gut sank into a gripping inner despair. Things eventually got to the point whereby I could no longer resist letting myself acknowledge that I could not avoid my inner problems much longer, although I was not admitting this state of affairs to anyone.

Then, one day, after several false starts, I earnestly decided that I wanted to find some kind of permanent solution to what was ailing me. It was a heartfelt decision, and I could feel the desire vibrate with intent. What can I do, I asked myself? There was no inner answer; nor did the Earth shake or the skies open up with lightening bolts crashing down pointing me to some kind of revelation. There seemed to be no obvious solution for me at that moment, but, as I have now learned, "God does not come with trumpets blaring." No matter, because I did not know this at that time. I was impatient, demanding an immediate answer. None came, or if one did show itself I was too unaware to notice it. I felt stymied, betrayed, with nowhere to turn. More than a year passed since that decision, and still I had no answers or anything I could begin to sink my teeth into. As more time went by I more or less gave up ever getting any kind of useful answer or solution, having by then resigned myself to some eventual less than wonderful fate.

It was during the middle of 1972 when the first door to what would eventually amount to a new reality finally cracked open. I was standing in the spacious entry lobby of Hathaway & Bowers, Inc., when a window into my inner realms unexpectedly and suddenly burst open. Dave Bowers and I had just returned from lunch, and while Dave was finishing up a short discussion with the receptionist my sense of the physical world momentarily seemed to lapse, everything outside of me becoming rather vague and distant. The "real" world I was accustomed to experiencing very suddenly and unexpectedly became quite "unreal." I became inwardly focused, entering into and touching a very deep part of myself that was quite outside the scope of my normal everyday business oriented level of awareness. Then, in a flash of intensity that seemed to permeate every cell of my body, something within me awakened and fervently vowed that I would devote my life to finding out what was going on inside myself, as well as discover a way to reverse the ominous sense of deadly putrefaction and lethargy that I could feel gradually expanding to overtake me. The next thing I recall is that in the blink of an eye everything looked and felt "normal" again, with only a vivid memory of my intense inner experience remaining. I followed Dave into the next room as though nothing unusual had ever happened. I did not mention this peculiar "little" event to anybody.

That wonderful flash of enhanced awareness, when everything reversed and I somehow spontaneously chose to honestly see deeply within myself without the usual happy pretenses, started a miraculous process that is still going on to this day. The seed of revelation had been planted, and it was well nourished by the sickness that rumbled in my gut. Just a few days later, after my quietly momentous decision, I began to spontaneously feel much less interested in all my previous business and personal pursuits. I found myself happily compelled to examine everything in and about my life. I continued to carry on with my usual business and social duties, purposefully acting out the role I thought people expected of me, but all the while I was really looking inward, scrutinizing my core beliefs and ideas regarding life, including all the secret little thoughts and feelings that society does not approve of or like to admit even exist.

Very quickly the old pretenses of carrying on as expected became more and more painful. I was secretly craving a completely new lifestyle, one filled with my own natural and real yearnings. But I was afraid to make any abrupt adjustments. Instead putting off making the changes I wanted and that would sooner or later be necessary, a delay that increasingly took its toll on me. By 1978 I was thoroughly exhausted, sick, and weary, having depleted myself trying to keep my attitudes and actions looking somewhat "normal." Then, one day, I just could not take it anymore, and so I walked away from the comfortable business world that had been my refuge and home. I broke off my former business connections rather abruptly, unable to go on any longer with the old pretenses I had been forcing myself to maintain. What an immediate joy it was to be rid of the pressures I had for so long put myself under, by trying to force myself to be something that I was not.

With my old life increasingly falling away behind me, I felt much more free to do what I truly wanted. I traveled extensively, searching here and there to find some kind of true "meaning" to my life, all the time deepening my yet very inadequate understanding of myself. It was an exciting time in many ways, but none of the newfound ideas, remedies, solutions, concepts, practices, rules, or regimens I encountered neither halted or slowed down the inner sense of morbidity that continued to expand inside me. Was there nothing in this world that could help me? I was quite perplexed, since I was certain that I was doing everything within my power for me to be healthy and happy. What was I not seeing? This was a question that I asked myself time and time again. And why was it that no one that I had yet encountered had the kind of answers I needed and sought?

Finally, after lots of trying and testing of countless remedies and solutions that looked promising, but eventually giving them up when I did not get the kind of results I wanted, I began toying with the idea of looking inside myself for some sorely needed answers. What a novel idea, I mused, looking in the last place I wanted to look—inside myself. Of course, I then reasoned, who else but me would have my answers! As stupid as it sounds, I had quite neglected to look in the only place that could provide the kind of answers I hoped to find. Moreover, why had I for so long forsaken my childhood quest of finding out who and what I am, when such information would have been much more easily called back. Now, in my much more diminished state, it seemed as though any chance of remembering who I might be had become even more of a remote possibility. I was thoroughly shocked when I realized how much vitality and awareness I had lost since my childhood days. It was clear that I needed to get busy bringing myself back to life, and that there was little, if any, time to waste.

My first attempts at looking inside were disappointingly uneventful and futile, perhaps because my inner landscape seemed to be veiled in an impenetrable gray haze that prohibited me from discerning any inner detail. But undaunted, with nowhere else left to turn, I persisted, and in time, as my interest to see gradually evolved into a strong and genuine intent, it became evident that I was filled with a vast and detailed inner reality. What had once seemed to be nothing more than a dull gray panorama began to literally vibrate with color and an intensity that surprised and exhilarated me. Scores of easily distinguished thoughts and images now filled what had once appeared to be nothing but and an empty and barren void. There was so much "lost" me to see, explore, and get to know that I was all but overwhelmed.

Some of what I encountered I liked, which fired my enthusiasm to dive even deeper and discover more. But much of what I noticed was not pleasant, and some of it I intensely disliked and tried to avoid. I was not at all happy about touching, feeling, or re-igniting what I considered to be repulsive aspects of myself. Still, I instinctively realized that I would have to learn to deal with these painfully offensive components of myself if I wanted to understand my inner reality. With high hopes  and the prospect of totally healing myself of all that bothered me, I began to systematically rake up and genuinely look at and feel my denied inner pain and buried muck, all the while looking for the unseen reasons behind it all.

As my inner work progressed, I began to notice a definite correlation between the previously unrealized, overlooked, forgotten, and denied inner parts of myself and what appeared to be analogous outer physical reality enactments of it, a relationship of the inner and outer realities that I would come to call reflections. Could it be, I wondered, that what is inside me is somehow directly connected or related to what I perceive and experience as outside of myself? With a little more exploration I acquired enough unambiguous evidence favoring the idea that inner reality versus outer reality reflections do, in fact, exist, and that I could use this new awareness "tool" called reflections as a way to probe much deeper into my inner self. I did this by learning how to "read" the outer reality reflections (or enactments) in a way that permitted me to then look back inside myself so as to then more easily recognize otherwise indistinguishable inner reality correspondences, thereby using the physical enactment as a useful guide to discover and recognize yet unseen details in my inner reality realm. I reasoned that if I later determined that I was wrong in my assessment of this reflective principle I could always reverse my decision and drop the idea.

By now, with the idea of reflections under my belt,  I was beginning to seriously question the absolute nature of outer reality. If reflections exist and do somehow correspond to what I perceive in outer reality, then do I live in a universe that is completely fluid and essentially "magical," one that could be anything that I wanted, provided, of course, that I first deal realistically with my inner reality and change it? If this idea had any validity, I deduced, then by studying and understanding the mechanics of my inner world I could resolve the physical manifestations that I did not like or enjoy. This meant that my only error had all along been in not understanding the ramifications and ultimate creative results of my own inner choices. These stunning realizations suggested that I could easily and permanently undo anything I did not like about my life experience, past or present, although I did not yet have the faintest idea of exactly how to accomplish such a stupendous undertaking. Nonetheless, the idea was far too sweet to pass over and ignore.

Having already tried and moved away from the usual spiritual, reprogramming, or "positive thinking" type of approaches, which I found essentially just try to paste "new" or "better" thoughts over the so-called "bad" stuff, I was very ready for the new awareness methodology being put at my disposal. It was just fine with me if it was something new, untested, and that had never been heard of before. Moreover, I liked the idea that this new and unfolding awareness approach was tailored specifically to me. I had been wanting and asking for something that really worked, rather than the usual stuff that in the end offered little more than hopeful pretenses or promises. I also decided that it must feel right to me, which this new approach definitely did, and not just be something that sounded reasonable to my logical mentality. I was ripe for something that "kicked ass" and that spat out genuine results, and I felt like I was on the verge of having a way of doing just that very thing.

3 - Standing at the Starting Gate

I was alone in my bedroom, secluded, with the doors and windows closed. I was certain that no one else was around to hear or interrupt me. Then, I asked out loud to know how to actually resolve the underlying problems that faced me, easily and with results that lasted forever! But my voice was soft and weak, due to a fear that someone might overhear me and think me quite insane. After all, I had absolutely no clue how to accomplish what I wanted, or if it was even possible. I stood frozen for a moment, truly looking at some of my phony but nevertheless deep-seated and persuasive reasons to hold back. Screwing up my courage, realizing that my reasons for keeping quiet were not logically sound, I tried again, hoping for some sense of real power to burst out of my mouth. But I faltered again, the passion I wanted being utterly stuck in my throat. I could not get it up and out. There was no force or conviction in my words.

What to do? Was I crazy to be talking to an empty room, and why was I so afraid of someone hearing me and thinking me dim-witted or mad? Did I think I was dim-witted? There was nobody within earshot of me, so who could have possibly heard my vocalizations, or possibly have interfered? My mind raced on anyway, imagining scenarios and scolding me with admonitions like "what would my physics professor think if he knew what I was doing?" What stupid reasoning, I thought, as I told myself, "this guy is gone from my life and I will more than likely never see hide nor hair of him ever again!" By this time I was ready to try forcing myself into some kind of overt vocal passion, and do so by using all kinds logic I thought was very sensible. But none of it made any significant difference. If anything, my mind was even more agitated and hesitant to allow any really passionate expression than before.

I pushed harder for action, opening my mouth in anticipation, but I could barely utter a sound. There was too much noise inside, as all kinds of non-stop blather bounced around in my head like shrapnel from exploding munitions. I stood tormented and bewildered by the parade of utterly foolish and "powerless" reasoning that fully imprisoned me. True, what I was hoping to accomplish definitely went against my traditional reasonableness and scientific training, but why was I judging and scolding myself so harshly about wanting to shout out some simple requests? I thought it quite stupid to stop myself from expressing what might free me from the misery I hated, but, at the same time, I could not convince my mind that its reasoning was faulty or that it was safe to vocalize as part of me so desperately wanted.

There was no way to win, or so it seemed. But even in the midst of the storm of intense mental hesitations holding me back I instinctively knew I had to make some kind of new decision, and ultimately go off in a new direction if I ever wanted anything in my life to truly change. So, stepping back a moment from trying to force some kind of action, I was able to accept the unwanted mayhem roaring unchecked in my mind. This simple act of unqualified acceptance made it possible for me to deal with some of the condemnatory reluctance making my head ache, which then enabled me to voice my request to the universe with some measurable degree of real power. This more pronounced emphasis, I fervently hoped, would make a noticeable difference in my ability to move ahead, which it did, of course, as my still weak but elevated expression acted as a catalyst leading to the breaking apart of the first of many self-made chains of linked together judgmental notions that had been relentlessly imprisoning me.

By loving and accepting what I had heretofore been hating and wanting to change I unknowingly took my first leap forward in understanding and solving the riddle of who and what I am, as well as why I am the way I seem to be. But exactly how I intuitively managed to achieve, without prior experience, the paradoxical trick of simultaneously loving what I hated in that particular moment remains somewhat of a mystery. I just did it, without much, if any, contemplation or forethought. Nonetheless, as easy as this feat might now be for me, it remains a big stumbling block for most people, one that can permanently stop them dead in their tracks and prevent any substantial awareness progress. Here is the paradox that must be resolved before any really in-depth work can occur: Unconditionally love and accept without limit that which is disliked and hated within yourself, and do so with such honesty and impeccability that any mental defense mechanisms dissolve of their own accord, thereby making genuine communication with any previously disliked parts of the self effortlessly possible, so as to then deal with and resolve those judgmental issues and do this without having or holding any hidden intent or motive to change, alter, or deny that which you desire and intend to change.

4 - Learning to Love Myself

Since working to literally undo my past had become my goal, I needed to find and fully undo the various root causes for the things that I did not like and that still constantly plagued me. This meant locating and resolving the old judgmental choices and resulting attitudes embedded in my mentality that continued to keep my past alive, re-creating old and often very unpleasant scenarios over and over again. These misbegotten decisions seemed to litter my mind no matter where I looked. It even occurred to me that my life might be nothing more than the sum total of all those old choices, all of them tangled together into a series of untidy mental knots making up countless layers of crusty ideas and beliefs that did not ever really serve me. Thus, it now began to look as though my mental trash heap was ceaselessly influencing every aspect of my life, leaving me no real freedom at all, and that it completely prevented me from doing anything truly new or spontaneous. But dealing with and resolving this mental tangle of ill-conceived stuff was slow going, and very exasperating at times. This was because my overall mental attitude was still hostile to much of what I needed to accurately see and resolve, causing certain parts of my inner self to hide from my glaring scrutiny. Still, I was gradually learning to recognize areas of residual hate and disapproval, while lovingly accepting more and more of myself in the process. As my love for myself increased this new found acceptance facilitated my forward progress greatly. The more I genuinely loved all the little parts of myself, without intent to bash or condemn them, the more easily and completely I could effortlessly gaze around inside. I found that I could actually stay completely detached and not make anything I observed important or unimportant. I just observed, being neutral in all respects, my mind relaxed and quiet of its own accord.

It was during one of these early relaxed inner visits that I noticed a small dot of "bright" energy that was in the process of uncloaking itself, expanding right in front of my inner eyes. As its picturesque contents became easily visible and comprehensible I watched in quiet fascination, being very careful not to judge or do anything that might disturb or alter the process. Once the energy had more or less fully revealed itself the unexpected suddenly happened. A portion of my mentality spontaneously reached out and "touched" it, mingling with it ever so safely, without any hint of intent to change or alter the observed energy in any way. I was very aware that it was my total acceptance that allowed part of me to embrace and combine with it, without it pulling away or moving to protect itself in any way. The bit of energy being observed and I both just suddenly knew each other totally. It was a marvelous moment, one that gave me great insight as to how I might deal with other mental energy bits that were still too shy to be seen and effectively resolved.

This kind of effortless and utterly safe communication permitted me to clearly understand the reasoning behind any choices and feelings this discrete fragment of mental energy was holding, which in turn allowed me to understand how and why I had made it the way it was. Thus, once I fully accepted and clearly understood its imprinting, an intuitive sense of mutual and loving communication effortlessly developed that allowed me to infuse new ideas, knowledge, and understanding into the fragment, bringing it up to date, so to speak. Once it understood what I had learned and now desired since its long-ago imprinting with judgmental notions, which it had faithfully and rigidly retained to that moment, it could release what it was holding with astonishing ease and rapidity. The exchange of new information and understandings had the effect of moderating the old, less informed decision, so that the fragment could, by itself, realize at least some of the "errors" I had made when causing the original imprinting. This "softened" and released the original command I had given it, and actually cultivated a desire for change and release within the fragment itself. I have found time and time again that fragmented out bits usually welcome a release, but will not (or cannot) do so, no matter how tired they may be of holding tight, until they know for certain that they have full permission and a valid reason to do so.

Once the tiny fragment understood my new position, and that what it was holding onto no longer served either of us, I felt confident that I could ask it to release what it held, which I did. It responded immediately and sort of went "poof," the energy fully relaxed and everything it had been holding completely released. It was gone, vanished, but it was still possible for a short time to actually feel the tiny "void" created as the little region of mental rigidity released itself back into a free and non-judgmental state. It was wonderful, and I suddenly felt and acted as though the former choice had never existed at all. To be sure, finding myself essentially able to undo the past was a very welcome turning point, and one that I put to immediate and good use.

During the whole process described above I was keenly aware that this little pocket of imprinted energy knew me better than I knew myself, so it would have been impossible for me to have kept hidden any malicious intent to destroy or get rid of it. If I had approached it while holding some kind of veiled agenda the best I could have done would be to fool myself, stupidly pretending that I had nothing concealed. This kind of covert silliness would not have worked, as the little energy fragment would have sensed and known my true intent, i.e., to destroy and get rid of it. It would have instantly pulled back and away from me, defending itself and maybe disappearing out of my awareness forever. Thus, if I had "secretly" tried to hold some kind of "hidden" strategy I would have stupidly sabotaged any chance of changing what I wanted to change. Being impeccable with myself and everything else was of paramount importance, because doing so permitted the mutual exchange of new information and desires without any hint of force, pretense, or any need for some kind of defense.

Now that I knew how to make contact with the judgmental bits of my mentality and then permanently resolve and release what these little chunks of mental energy had been asked to hold fixed I could truly begin to undo my old mental programming. Then, to my excitement, I soon discovered that by modifying the process slightly I could actually facilitate the recovery of mental fragments that had been more or less completely "lost" out of my mental awareness, which meant that I could then deal with them, too, essentially bringing them home to be an integral part of me once again. I wondered just how far I could go with my newly developing skills. More and more I was coming to realize that there were possibilities for stupendous change hidden away within me, possibilities that boggled my still very rational mind. Progressively I was able to move forward in my awareness pursuits ever more quickly, rapidly coming to the place where I wondered what effect all the old mental programming and fragmentation had on my physical body. Could resolving bits of my mentality change my body? I did not like the idea of having to slowly age and eventually die, and I was now questioning if maybe I was stumbling onto a way of actually retarding or preventing altogether that kind of "normal" bodily outcome. With some additional motivation due to gut feelings of horror at the very thought of gradual collapse and death, I found myself exploring the possibility of actually resolving the ostensibly unavoidable experience of death, and to discover new ways to facilitate my being more fully alive.

By this time I was becoming very confident in what I could accomplish through my inner work. I told myself, what does it matter if people think that I am crazy? The worst that can happen, I reasoned, is that I would be like everybody else, which meant meeting some kind of eventual unpleasant earthly fate anyway. So, what was there to lose? Bolstered by my newfound assurance that my awareness work produced tangible results, I made a series of choices that gave me even greater courage to face life and the powerful forces of the universe head-on. I reasoned that if I truly love all of myself, as well as Creation in general, i.e., the universe and all the various energies that bring consciousness into being, should not these same energies reflect that love back to me? If I was correct in assessing that perceived reflections did actually represent my inner reality and attitudes, I should be able to probe much more deeply into the mysteries that still confronted me, and do so without any harm whatsoever.

Expecting that this tack would bring me at least some degree of safety, as well as the kind of results I wanted, I was ready and eager to take bigger jumps, along with the greater risks that accompanied them. Thus, I began allowing triggering and overt energy flows that would have been quickly stopped by my own deeply ingrained mental fears only a short time before. As a result, much bigger and more energetic chunks of "lost" mentality could be triggered into visibility, and then returned to my conscious awareness, along with an unimaginable array of intense gut feelings, which then set the stage for bigger energy expansions and extreme body reactions and changes. Some of what occurred could have been, for all I knew at that time, quite dangerous and even fatal. There were some terrifying moments when my mind wanted to panic, but I managed to maintain enough awareness of what I had already learned to keep myself safely on course. To be sure, however, I did not know in advance what might happen. Fortunately, I managed to cling steadfastly to my intuition and feelings, which guided me through some very bumpy waters, and I felt that I would be safe as long as I genuinely loved the power that was now moving and expanding inside me.

5 - Letting Everything Turn Upside Down

Once I became proficient at quickly recognizing, accepting, communicating with, and then resolving the more obvious judgmental choices embedded within my mentality it was not long before I was able to effectively deal with larger and more complex inner issues, such as major belief systems. These complex associations of assorted judgmental choices often consisted of many interconnected chains, each one composed of multiple judgments linked together, one depending upon and/or triggering the next, and so on. With the ability to look into and handle these intricate judgmental associations some of the old and more stubbornly rigid structures in my mentality were soon altered and sufficiently weakened that I experienced my first full-fledged structural breakup and partial collapse of my mentality, followed by a spontaneous and confusing reorganization. When such a collapse occurs, usually with little warning, a particular part of the overall mental structure spontaneously breaks and falls apart due to the instability initiated when certain key judgmental content is removed. This kind of structural collapse is often a distressingly painful and disorienting process, whereby the mentality feels very brittle and/or "glassy," as though it could be easy shattered by the slightest external disturbance. Moreover, the head pain experienced during structural shattering is quite different than is that of a "normal" headache, and there is no throbbing or relief gained by tampering with the body. It is not a body pain; it is a mental pain, and the duration of this kind of reorganizational process can last for a day or two for a truly major structural re-arrangement, with the head pain tapering off steadily after the first few hours. It is a process that I later came to call "head crunch."

As some of my major belief systems began to one by one fall aside, some strong feeling gut energies that had long been suppressed by these formerly embedded beliefs started to push upward and become evident. But the more I tried to allow movement of these surging gut feelings the more my mentality was triggered by yet still hidden layers of judgmental content, mentality that feared the increasingly revitalized Will presence that was stirring ever more aggressively within me, an energetic force that was becoming more and more unavoidable. Thus, with every substantial jump in freeing my latent desire for expanded feeling expression there was a corresponding period of time spent in dealing with all the newly triggered judgmental mentality that had been activated and made visible.

As the pace and intensity of my inner work quickened, I  began noticing that as my Will based feeling energies continued to expand and touch my mentality my apparent overall mental agility and awareness improved at a surprising rate. I was beginning to just simply know more and more about the mysteries of life, without having to use any mental logic or reasoning whatsoever. My mental logic was still present, and, if anything, more deft than ever before, but it was not necessary to use it to figure out things as I had been doing before. I was just somehow knowing what I needed to know, without any intervening logic to arrive at answers. It had become clear that the Will energies that were gradually being allowed to reintegrate with my mentality had much more to do with being smart and viable than I had imagined. I could see, now, that much of the vast intelligence in and about the universe was held not in the mentality, but in the Will itself, and the mentality could only know of this vast storehouse of in-depth knowledge if and to the extent that the Will was allowed to touch and integrate with the mental aspect.

An incredible and exciting upheaval was rapidly taking place inside me, one that unquestionably had its origin in my awareness exploration, which had become an ongoing practice that enlivened me daily with thrilling moments, along with some frightening times, too. To say that I was undergoing a lifestyle change of incredible magnitude was a gross understatement. I was discovering first-hand the direct relationship between my mentality and the actual manifesting powers of the Will, and I loved it, no matter that my inner work occasionally triggered experiences that scared me half out of my wits. The physical world was looking more and more like a self-created illusion, while my once seemingly "unreal" inner reality was becoming more and more touchable and "real." Everything I knew seemed to be either falling apart or turning upside down, and, in response, with each passing day I wanted to go faster and go deeper into what still laid unknown and mysterious within me.

No matter what the temporary consequences I might have to face, there was no chance now of me ever turning back on this valiant new awareness adventure I had made for myself. I was miraculously beginning to actually "see" and feel the usually "unseen" mechanics of how the outer reality domain was set into motion by the so-called "intangible" inner one. The actual underlying mechanics of consciousness were being given to me in great detail, revealed to me step by little step and put forth in an easily understood form that I gobbled up as fast as I could digest it. I loved what I was learning, and I constantly wanted to know much more and to understand how best to maximize the benefits of my discoveries. I was long past the amateurish stage, those bygone fledgling days when all I could do was stumble about carelessly, while hoping to somehow make sense of  my inner reality.

I had become competent enough by this time to effectively deal with and resolve exceedingly complex mixes of both mental and feeling energy, whereupon my awareness and ability to see, feel, and comprehend ever more abstract concepts inexplicably improved with every round of expansive feeling release. It was now unmistakably obvious that by systematically reclaiming, resolving, and freeing up bits of myself I incrementally gained the additional awareness and power I needed to see and feel more deeply and then recover larger and more powerful "lost" parts of my myself, simultaneously undoing increasingly larger segments of my past. I was thrilled with my awareness progress, but yet quite unbeknownst to me something very new and different was in the works for me, something that would soon change my perspective on life completely, by turning my newly emerging world upside down in just a few minutes.

I vaguely sensed that something unusual might be on my horizon, but had no clue as to what it might be. It was just a subtle feeling at first, to which I paid no particular attention. Over the preceding months I had been gradually reclaiming and releasing old "lost" mental intent, which in turn was gradually and incrementally removing a massive but unrealized mental clamp that was about to reach a critical threshold point. As this critical juncture neared I began feeling as though some major upheaval or change was almost at hand, yet I still could not discern exactly what the strange new sensations and feelings that aroused my attention might foretell. This odd feeling situation continued for several days without relent. Then, one warm summer morning a chilling mix of oddly unusual feelings bubbled up from my gut. The sensations and the images they produced were markedly different that anything I had experienced up until that time. For some reason I instinctively knew without any question that I must stay home that day, although I did not know why.

At maybe two o'clock, on what had become a hot summer afternoon, I got my padded mat and placed it on the floor near the center of the room. I knelt on the mat, taking up what might be characterized as a prayerful position, instinctively knowing exactly how to position myself. I did not bother to question why I knew such things, I just followed my inner guidance. Moments later a powerful surge of pinkish Will energy rushed upward into the area of my physical heart, while, simultaneously, a thick column of steel-blue colored mental energy gushed downward to meet and intertwine with the brilliantly colored Will energy. As the two polarities met and intertwined in the area of my Heart, joining in marriage, they gave birth to something new, which I can best describe as a golden light that radiated outward from the center of my Heart area, and also from the palm of each outstretched and opened hand.

My body vibrated with a strength and orgasmic joy that nearly paralyzed my stunned mentality, as the knowing and rekindling of lost possibilities pushed away unthinkable eons ago once again flooded into the totality of my being. My body trembled as I sobbed uncontrollably. Searing tears of fire streamed down my face, each little droplets made of the unbearable pain created by having almost obliterated the indescribable majesty and glory that had been lying withered at my core. My Heart chakra was bursting open, pouring out  a joyous and loving passion filled with cosmic knowing and remembering, The sheer intensity of the experience cannot be told by words alone, and it literally shattered any doubts about who I really was: I am love, searching for itself within the labyrinth of its own foolish mistakes. In only a few moments of time I was blessed with the ability to clearly see and realize the horrific depth of the painful atrocities I had foolishly committed against my own Self through sheer unawareness and shameful neglect. Nothing about me remained untouched during this Heart opening episode. For several hours afterward I shook with countless waves of what might best be described as cosmic revelations, amidst waves of vibrating Will energy that overshadowed and conquered any mental fears that I might try to muster.

Everything in me was quaking too much for any part of me to remain unscathed. I was being reborn in both purpose and intent, seeing with exceptional clarity how and why I had ignorantly diminished myself, creating misery and death in the place of my rightful and divine heritage. The spontaneous eruption of energy tapered off gradually and my perceived world somewhat returned to normal, but different at the same time. As dusk approached only occasional waves of Will energy continued to ripple gently through my body. My mentality was quiet, exhausted, and dazed. The summer sun had set, with only a dusky hint of twilight filtering in through the spacious windows. I spent the remainder of the evening and that night resting, reviewing what had happened and recovering from the shock of it all.

Without question my normal earthly world was becoming more and more irrelevant. But in its place was something much more to my liking. I was being filled with a new vitality and passion that would help me to clear away all that stood in the way of regaining the divinity that I now realized I had foolishly pushed away long ago. The more that opened up for me the more diligently and swiftly I worked at finding more and more of myself. A fierce passion to live was starting to burn inside me, and I was now eagerly pushing aside earthly pursuits that might significantly disrupt my inner explorations. The old and familiar gray haze of inner unawareness was lifting ever more rapidly, it being literally incinerated by my fired up passion to live the orgasmic life I now knew was waiting for me. I was in hot pursuit of anything ripe enough to deal with and resolve. Just as soon as I was finished taking care of one judgmental condition I would start devising ways to look for yet still more hidden choices, so that I could successfully repeat the whole process again and again.

Progress for me was becoming easy and swift. The work was going so well, in fact, that I was reaching a point where I wondered if I might possibly run out of stuff to look at and resolve. But that was not to be the case. Up to this point I had only been dealing with energies that had never been completely denied out of my awareness, and that had expanded back into my awareness of their own accord when judgments previously keeping them hidden were resolved. Miffed by the looming possibility of a slowdown, however, I began wondering how I could get in touch with things that might be far outside the scope of my immediate awareness, and that were maybe too distant or unrecognizable for me to ever recover without some kind of outside assistance. Or, looking even farther ahead, how do I recover a lost part of myself, for instance, if it is so completely disconnected that it has taken up its own independent manifest form that I may not recognize as a part of myself?

Solving the riddle of how to accomplish the recovery of energies that were so disconnected and "lost" that they were outside the scope of my current awareness turned out to be relatively easy, but required that I acknowledge and make honest use of the premise that all perceived outer reality manifestations were somehow always reflected enactments of my own inner reality condition. Not only would this be a good test for the idea of perceived reflections, but I would get practice seeing outer reality as "unreal" and working with the outer physical realm as nothing more than an amplified and externalized enactment (or reflection), and one that allowed me to actually touch and experience my otherwise intangible inner reality desires and choices. I already had ample evidence that the concept of reflections worked quite well, but what I needed now was the courage to make the jump and actually use reflections as an exacting and predictable awareness tool, no matter what outer reality perception or apparent actuality I encountered.

For sure, part of my mentality strongly resisted seeing perceived reflections as something that could be used as a dependable tool, it preferring instead to judge the idea or the use of reflections as rather absurd. These still defiant parts had long enjoyed seeing outer reality as the intractable villain, blaming it, rather than itself, for filling my life with an endless parade of problems that this part of me liked to think not of its own making. But regardless of my many adverse inner predilections, I elected to proceed anyway, and work with reflections as accurate portrayals of my inner self. Thus, with this new awareness tool in hand and ready for use I set out to understand and utilize the physical events that surrounded me with a keen new interest and intent. I began my study of reflections by allowing what I witnessed to be "unreal" to whatever extent I could allow, reminding myself constantly that the physical realm was just a portrayal of my inner world and not something independent that liked to fight and torment me. Outer reality was real, however, in the sense that it could be touched and directly experienced, but quite unreal in that it was not of its own making, it being just an amplified and externalized projection of my otherwise intangible inner reality.

Through the use of my newly approved reflections tool I hoped to be able to finally make some kind of sense out of what outer reality might be trying to show me, or maybe even directly and clearly see something that was otherwise hidden from me. Was there some kind of trick illusion or visual artifact, for instance, that had been in front of me all along, but not obvious due to my seeing the physical reality as an independently separate and unruly force? It took many attempts at seeing the world as unreal before I was finally able to get my stubborn mentality to adjust itself, and to see as unreal what it had previously insisted on seeing only as real. But when the shift finally occurred a startling change in my visual acuity also took place. A kind of "fourth" dimensionality subtly settled over the usual three-dimensional world. Everything looked more alive, deeper, and less mysterious. Events in outer reality began to take on the look and feel of guided enactments. Some lost much of the appearance of being separate from myself, which I took to mean they were reflections I was ready to make us of, while others looked to be motivated by a source other than myself. These I presumed were reflections to be dealt with later, or that might only (at the time) contain trivial lessons for me.

But no matter whether reflections seemed strongly connected or trivial, the concept of reflections was definitely working, allowing me to understand more about myself and what still laid hidden within. Moreover, I could soon make out what appeared to be visual layers of energetic information in each reflection, which provided all kinds of subtle detail that I had not seen or realized before. I also quickly learned that there was no such thing as a simple reflection, except to the degree that one chooses to remain unaware of their compound nature. There was a whole cosmos of reflective detail embedded in any one reflection, all levels working together, layer upon layer of shimmering variety. I found that I could shift the depth of my "seeing," focusing in on a particular layer of information as I might think useful. It had now become very clear to me that perceived reflections were an incredibly useful and accurate tool, one that could be used to discern minute detail in regards to my inner reality, or anyone's inner reality. With this newly perfected awareness tool at my disposal I quickly established many kinds of complex inner reality versus outer reality correlations, signposts that enabled me to accurately zero in on and "see" a lot of what was still otherwise "lost" out of my awareness, exactly as reflected in the outer reality portrayals I was learning to read like an open book.

So now that I could "see" more of my "lost" self portrayed outside of myself, what was the advantage of doing this? Just recognizing some kind of meaning in an externalized perception did not of itself allow me to get inside the lost energy component that the reflection represented. So, then, how was I to translate what I perceived outside of myself into some kind of useful information or action? After a bit of fussing about, I decided to experiment with an interesting and often useful talent I have, and that is to touch or hold an object in my hands and then get a detailed visual image and feeling intuition about it. Sometimes many layers of information are apparent, which can reveal quite a bit of history regarding the object. The official term for this kind of thing is psychometry. So, I picked up an object I thought might be interesting and paid very close attention to exactly how I went about feeling it, as well as how I used my mentality to focus my feeling and receptive intent. With this research more or less accomplished, I wondered if I could use a modified form of psychometry to make contact with the energies depicted in my perceived outer reality reflections.

As a first experiment I selected a particular reflection that was very clear for me, one that provided both a well-defined mental image and an easily discernable feeling. Today, over ten years later, I don't remember what the actual reflection was, but it gave me a good visual representation and a solid feeling impression regarding the precise energy I thought the reflection represented. Letting myself be relaxed and at ease, I held the image that I had perceived in the reflection gently in my mentality, while simultaneously recalling the feeling impression of it in my gut (the seat of my personal Will). I did this along with an intent to reach out and touch the target "lost" energy. A two-way feeling connection with what seemed to be the actual unit of energy I wanted to communicate with occurred nearly instantly, and it continued on with the passing of messages along a conduit of "feeling energy" that linked the "lost" energy with my Will, which then, in turn, relayed those feeling messages to my mentality in a way that made perfect sense. Knowing how to establish this kind of feeling connection was the key to what I had been seeking, as I could now intuitively use reflections to set a process into motion that permitted the eventual contact, resolution, and recovery of nearly any clearly perceived "lost" energy.

I had now progressed far enough in my awareness work to have resolved many of my really obvious mental structures, which had either partially collapsed or had vanished altogether. This cleared the way for some of the deeper, more entrenched and powerful belief systems to become prominent, and, in some cases, noticeably weakened and perhaps even crumbled a bit around the edges. I was regularly experiencing very intense episodes of "head crunch," during which times I could feel the rigid old structures in my mentality actually break apart and rearrange, something that was easy to feel in great detail. All this mental rearrangement and the constantly increasing awareness that resulted from it periodically caused me to stop and review many of my awareness propositions, and look at them anew, assessing their continued usefulness. Like any tool, it has its time and place, and as the student grows a particular tool may become outdated and essentially no longer useful or correct for what is being encountered. This kind of periodic assessment had the benefit of keeping my proven awareness tools sharply honed and up to date, so as to maximize their effective yield.

One of the relatively new awareness tools in my little but growing arsenal and that was under reexamination was the proposition that stated outer reality was merely a perceived reflection and was somehow motivated by the observer, and thus it was therefore fluid and magical in nature. I was not so much questioning the usefulness of the principle, but rather the extent or degree to which outer reality could respond in unlimited and miraculous ways. I was content that it was magical to the extent that reflections seemed to work, but was this the limit of its fluidity and magic? Was outer physical reality completely fluid, in that it could be anything without limit, provided, of course, that any limiting judgments about it were resolved? Or were their some fundamental laws of physics that were absolutes, regardless of anyone's ideas or judgments? What if outer physical reality did not exist -- until and unless, that is, some entity or group of entities inspired it into manifest existence through the application of some kind of image, idea, or notion, thereby creating and/or holding constant that which otherwise had no form or physical substance to it at all? What then, I asked, and who were these possible entities, you and me?

Not being able to answer this question one way or another, I decided to take another daring leap and test what might happen if I permitted myself to actually put more trust in the "magical" nature of outer physical reality. This meant more than merely hoping or wishing it was boundless and unlimited in its ability to respond, but to actually allow myself to trust that its limitless nature was indeed a given fact. I logically concluded, if it was indeed infinitely fluid and malleable without limit, and not just some kind of external rock-hard constant, as the so-called physical laws of the universe are thought to suggest, I ought to experience and see reflected back whatever degree of genuine trust I had in any "magic."

I was not immediately able to grant myself a large boost in trust, due to judgmental ideas still deeply embedded in my mentality, but I did put the idea to the test, and outer reality responded immediately and favorably. But so did a multitude of triggered mental judgments, doubts, and contrary beliefs that had been resting undetected in my mind. The test had gone as hoped, substantiating my theory of fluidity a tiny bit more, but now I was faced with a head full of old mindsets that refused to let go of believing that outer reality was or ever could be fluid and magical. I suddenly felt as though I had never done any useful awareness work at all. In just one little moment I had found a way to trigger up an incredible amount of obscured mentality that was just waiting to spring back into action whenever I veered too far from my previously accepted mental notions. Clearly, I now had plenty of mental housecleaning work to do, and do so in ways that would directly affect my ability to work hand-in-hand with my Will polarity. While I did not yet know it, working with these newly triggered judgments, which did not consider outer reality to be an ally, were the key to making my next big leap forward—awakening the sleeping tiger, i.e., the Will.

6 - Preparing to Awaken the Will

Clearly understanding the energy differences between my mentality and my Will aspect was a long and arduous process, although I began to make some crucial distinctions between these two markedly different polarities early on in my awareness work. I accomplished this task by paying very close and exacting attention to precisely what I was feeling and where I was feeling it, as well as how all these differing feelings touched and reacted with other feelings and various parts of my mentality. To my surprise, I discovered that there were two completely different sources for feelings. The two had always been there, but I had never paid enough attention to realize the astounding difference. One was distinctly mental and the other very much Will or gut oriented, the former being thin or "dry" and the latter having a distinctive "magnetic" quality, and both being exceedingly different in the way they were generated, as well as their intent and use. However, especially in the beginning of my adventure, when there was a relative absence of truly strong Will feelings, it was easily possible to mistakenly judge that mental feelings were Will feelings and vice versa.

But once I could detect and identify the often subtle differences between mental and Will essence it became relatively easy for me to accurately differentiate between purely mental processes and the mental feelings they generated versus even the most subtle of the non-mental Will energy interactions, as well as how both of the distinctly different polarities worked together. Then, as my recognition and appreciation of the relationship between the mental and Will energies advanced it became increasingly easy for me to understand more and more of the "feeling messages" entrained in my Will's feelings. This advancement in comprehension provided me with yet another very useful awareness tool: Will feelings and the exceedingly detailed feeling messages they contained. By being able to more accurately discern what my Will was telling me (through the medium of feelings and absolute knowing) I was no longer confined by the old limits of my mental processes or its logic.

As I gradually became more adept and much more trusting of my Will feelings I began depending upon them for input on crucial decisions, which before would have been left to my mentality alone. I even started holding off decision making until I got sufficient Will feeling input. This increasing dependence and respect for my Will brought about some unexpected complications, however, as worrisome uncertainties about differing kinds of Will feelings became apparent. What, for instance, was the difference between newly generated Will feelings versus old ones that had been "lost" and that were now expanding back into my awareness as they came out of denial? This was a question of great consequence to me, because to make an informed decision using my Will as guidance I had to be able to swiftly and accurately differentiate between an old and previously "lost" feeling and a newly generated one that delivered a pertinent message useful for decision making. Thus, to use the gift now before me I would have to quickly ascertain what was new and a current message versus an old, outdated one. One could be used as immediate guidance for making new decisions, while the other had to be dealt with in a very different way, one that allowed expansion of something long ago lost, letting it flow back into my awareness and integrate with my mentality, so that it could be permanently allowed to come to rest and be completely resolved.

By this time I was well aware that the Will responds to the mentality by means of feelings, and can do so very forcefully when appropriate, essentially giving immediate feedback to what the mentality is creating for itself. This in itself is a very useful awareness tool, since when the gut gets active it is time to look into the mentality and see what is going on. Basically, when the mental aspect holds an image or idea the Will feels it (and immediately responds with a feeling reply for anyone who has retained sufficient Will presence) and then in time it brings the mental desire into manifest experience. Thus, when I pay attention to any Will feelings incited by my mental activity it is possible for me to know in advance a lot about what my mentality is really doing and asking to have created. For instance, if fear is generated then it can be rightfully anticipated that what I am inspiring into my life experience will be fearsome and unpleasant. In contrast, then, if feelings of joy are the result of my mental activity the experience to be birthed by the Will polarity will tend to be a happy and joyous one. Thus, the Will is capable of advising me in advance as to whether my mental thoughts will create joy or misery, if I pay attention to the messenger, thereby providing me with the opportunity to change my mind before I get a big dose of manifest reality that I do not really want or enjoy.

Understanding how the Will responds to the mentality was a crucial key to dealing effectively with the otherwise perplexing and important question of how to recognize the differences between past and present gut feelings. This puzzle straightforwardly resolved itself, however, as I learned to observe the subtle activities within my mentality more accurately, while at the same time carefully feeling and observing how the Will responded to each little mental twitch. Thus, honing my observational skills allowed me to more or less determine whether Will feelings were being newly generated, or not. Old, lost feelings expanding out of denial not only possessed a certain feel and quality that seemed different than any newly made ones, but they also lacked the sometimes subtle mental components that necessarily went along with any newly generated Will feelings. Very often, too, it was the case that the feelings were obviously and unmistakably old denials. When they spontaneously expanded upward and out from my gut they often vibrated strongly with immediately recognized old feelings of dizzying sickness, lethargy, bodily putrefaction, and/or of physical death itself. Still, there were  moments of confusion when what seemed to be old feelings felt clean and clearly devoid of anything relating to festering denial, sickness, or death. At such times, to alleviate any mental confusion, I would simply observe my mentality in minute detail and if all was relatively quiet inside my head the odds were that any perceptible Will feelings were an expansion of old denial, since there was no apparent mental activity inciting them. But if there was still any lingering doubt I would again look for any suspicious mental activity, and if such was noticed I would alter that activity in some way and then pay attention to any changes in the Will feelings being felt. If the feelings changed in concert with the alterations in my mentality, I reasoned, this was an indication that the Will feelings were probably being newly inspired, since they seemed to modify themselves in direct correspondence with my apparent mental activity.

Unfortunately, the differentiation of old and newly generated feelings is not as black and white as I make it seem here. Nonetheless, once I had worked out the initial difficulties in discerning the new from the old I was much more able to accept, trust, and use the abundant gifts of knowledge that my Will could provide me. This gave me an expanding sense of freedom that was wonderful. What a bonus it was for my mentality to once again have the benefit of all this non-mental knowledge and input, a gift and viewpoint that originated from a place that the mentality by itself could never conjure up or imagine. Moreover, by allowing my Will to be an active and desirable partner in my life its feeling method of information processing could more fully support my mental aspect and its analytical logic. This intentional combining of Spirit and Will made it possible for me to clearly see, appreciate, know, and understand what the mentality by itself could never know or grasp. From this stage of my learning I soon realized that by enjoying and accepting my Will I was given a very practical window into some "universal secrets," which were not accessible by a mentality that was disconnected from its companion Will aspect.

But there was yet another unappreciated, critically important benefit that came from loving my Will and letting it guide my mentality in its awakening. My choice to love it, instead of trying to force it open and/or hating it, had saved me from skewing its energy releases and incredible power in ways that might have otherwise been detrimental or even harmful to me. Many things came to light during the time I spent learning how to differentiate between my mental and various Will feelings, and none of it followed a recognizable pattern or chronological order. There was no way to predict what unknown facet of life would be revealed next. My journey was as plainly ordinary as it was mysterious, it flowing out of some deep all knowing force that I could sense, but could not yet understand with any certainty. I was also realizing that I had always enjoyed a detectible degree of Will presence, but had not recognized it as such, nor had I noticed that it was somewhat integrated into my mentality. I had become very sloppy about knowing myself, even though there had been many clues that should have jolted me awake, and into looking more closely at myself and what was going on inside.

I had long noticed that I seemed to process information and react to life situations very differently than, for instance, my family members and business associates, as well as other people I often associated with, but I had never taken the time to make any attempt at understanding why. It did not occur to me until fairly recently that many other people may have little, if any, recognizable Will presence and/or input, having pushed it all away, leaving them essentially completely mental. I had just presumed that everyone was more or less the same inside, a serious judgmental mistake on my part, and that any substantial differences between me and others was simply due to some random personality choices that caused diverse patterns of thinking and behavior. While this kind of simple answer may have some merit, since one does not lose their Will presence unless they somehow choose to do so, my reasoning at that time did not account for the effect of someone having no Will input to guide their mentality, nor did it adequately take into account the effect of denials on a personality and its behavior.

Once I realized that most of the people around me did not want nor have much, if any, recognizable Will presence or guidance, how they had been acting and reacting began to make more if not perfect sense. I was choosing to live in an inner and outer reality that was quite different from the people who had, over time, made choices that culminated in isolating their mentality by disconnecting it from their Will and the rest of Creation, while choosing to worship only the "spiritual" aspect. Realizing this and that my journey would probably take me far away from all that I currently knew and experienced, especially in regards to the human company I had known up until that time, did not deter me one little bit. The more I got to know my Will the less alone I felt. I had myself as a constant and trustworthy companion. Life and the vast universe that I was learning to know and love ever more was becoming my good friend, an intimate playmate that I enjoyed, and there were signs that a few new people were edging their way into my life, people that shared my new goals and "impossible" dreams.

Okay, you ask, exactly what is this Will thing I keep harping about? But how do I describe something that is, for the most part, beyond mortal words? Moreover, its existence cannot be sensed, let alone proven, unless you already accept, welcome, know, and experience it, because any doubts regarding its existence inspire a reality in which it must be experienced as non-existent. How ironic, because it is the Will that must provide the outer reality experience of its non-existence if you do not want it or know of its presence. This means, if you do not currently know or accept the reality of having a Will, such as when you believe in and worship only the mental aspect, then it will not and cannot reveal itself in a way that you will perceive or recognize. Under such circumstances it simply cannot be directly known or sensed as an intelligent, living energy that operates in concert with the mental aspect, and it will remain so until and unless it is welcomed back and allowed to actively touch and integrate with the mentality. But all this may remain an impossibility forever, until an individual's Spirit mentality purposely acts to resolve judgments and beliefs that keep any recognizable Will presence or movement outside of its direct experience and awareness.

Many people seem to enjoy judging that their mental aspect is who and what they are, which is a choice that gives them an outer reality experience of precisely that—nothing but a mental world, governed by thinking and legalized thinking alone. This makes expressions of life that do not fit into the current paradigm move away and/or behave as though they are non-existent. As a result of worshiping the mentality some would say that it is the physical brain that causes the experience of sentience. However, this is not the case, because the brain is a result of one's state of consciousness, not the instigating source. Consider it an antenna that links your body to your non-physical mentality. The body and everything in it is a consequence of the combination of the mental and Will aspects that give rise to sentience, and it is this mix of energies that creates the template that the physical body forms around. Have you ever wondered how the body knows how to build itself, or what tells all those atoms and molecules making up the body where to place themselves, and when? Look at it logically, something definite has to inspire the pattern that guides manifest substance in molding itself into a specific form, such as a body and/or its brain. But again, if you believe the brain is the cause of you, then it will be your chosen reality and your command will be experienced as true, and possibly as the only truth.

Nevertheless, limiting one's perceived reality to a rigidly fixed paradigm does not eliminate the energy components and interactions that have been excluded from one's inner and outer vision. Realizing this, I set about relaxing and resolving my old and often cherished ideas about who and what I thought I was, which then allowed me to intimately come to know and understand the Will as a fundamental energy component of life. This Will force could then work alongside and in conjunction with my mental aspect, and was on its way to becoming an equal partner with my mentality in everything, whether I chose to yet fully realize that eventuality, or not. Under ideal conditions, the relationship between the Will and the mentality can be put into very simple terms, and the Will can be said to interact with the mental energy in two fundamental and primary ways:

In the human body the physical relationship between the mentality and the Will is represented in this way: The Spirit mentality, a.k.a. the male or Father polarity—our thinking and intellectual apparatus that inspires action -- sits at the top of the spine. In contrast, the Will, a.k.a. the female Mother polarity—our feeling center of power, which physically manifests what the mentality inspires—rests at the base of the spine. If you look at the human body as a reflection, it is the Spirit mentality that sits on top, usually judging that it is on a preferred "higher plane," thinking itself superior to the more base or "lower plane" energies, such as the Will. But any arrogance by the mentality is misplaced, because without the Will it would have no place to live or carry out its grand ideas. As the human body clearly reflects, it is the Will, at the base of the spine, that supports the head and all its desires. If you doubt this, remove the physical head from the rest of the body and see what happens.

Thus it is, like any structure, if we weaken the body's supporting foundation (or base) the whole structure, including everything it supports, along with the head and its desires, sooner or later also weakens and falls into a process of eventual collapse. By wanting to be rid of gut feelings and/or judging the human body as bad, ugly, or anything less than a holy temple, for instance, we are directly asking and praying for an experience that will end in the weakening and ultimately the destruction of our own foundation and life support system. Any derogative belief or reference whatsoever toward the so-called "lower" or base energies is literally asking for trouble, because each little choice of this type directly contributes to the accumulation of past choices that serve to bring about the pain, illness, morbidity, and death that most people are probably trying to desperately insist is not of their own making.

Each new lifetime we live tends to become increasingly burdened with judgmental notions, combined with whatever judgmentally limiting choices were added to the lot during the previous life experience. Additionally, with each consecutive lift-out at physical death there is a bit less remaining free Will energy to support future life experiences, as more and more of our available Will energy becomes tied up and effectively lost in choices that empower a reality ever more filled with lethargy, increasing density, and certain death. Not only is the mentality diminished by having a less vital personal body, but whatever part of the mentality cannot free itself during the moments of separation during the death process gets left behind, too. Thus, with each successive death experience the joy of life diminishes as we suffer ever more from accumulating mental and Will denials, fragmentation, and depletion, all of which together leave us bit by bit ever more powerless and unaware, as well as helping to keep us caught up in a self-fulfilling trap of our own making.

Realizing the incredibly vast scope of the personal loss each of us has suffered, due to eons of denial and fragmentation, ought to be sufficient incentive for anyone to get busy and work toward reversing their present situation. We are who and what we currently think we are because of all that we have lost. Getting it all back means change; maybe even unimaginable change. This is because the relatively tiny bit of the original personality and power that still survives would be inconsequential when compared to the ultimately awesome and omnipotent being that we could perhaps eventually once again become. Returning to a grand state of regal omnipotence will require definite effort, diligence, and passionate intent to succeed. It will require working to discover, resolve, and release eons of ancient and modern choices, thereby pulling together a huge amount of essence that has been fragmented out of our awareness, some of it for a very long time. The result of this effort would be a Self that bears little, if any, resemblance to what we know as ourselves today. To get started, undoing the more obvious and easy to let go of ideas and choices that inhabit our mentality is a good first step to this kind of ultimate goal. It would be a decisive action that would sooner or later lead us into finding and dealing with other, much more significant judgmental choices.

7 - Reversing the Purpose of the Will

Over time, I, just like most people, have come close, if not completely, to fully reversing both the purpose and the intent of any feeling communications (and maybe even the reflected physical enactments) that are provided by the Will, so much so that a lot of people seem to have made the Will and any form of real power into an "evil" looking enemy, perhaps desperately fearing and hating the Will's feelings and its manifest physical portrayals. Anyone who has foolishly judged themselves into this kind of position must remain essentially powerless and a victim of life, vehemently disliking whatever physical reality shoves in their face, until and unless they reverse their mental stance. To do this means changing mental attitudes and resolving judgments that go against the Will and the many ways it responds to mental inspiration. Then, and only then, as resistance to the Will is gradually lessened and a love of it begins to flourish can more and more of its divine energy be allowed to touch and reintegrate with the mental polarity, so that it becomes possible to understand, cherish, and make practical use of what the Will has been trying to tell and show us all along.

So, exactly what does it mean to reverse the intent of the Will?

As an example of a reversal, let's examine a typical situation that could easily happen to anyone, and how they would probably behave during a perceived confrontation, which instead of resolving anything, only makes matters worse. To begin this exercise, imagine you see someone walking down a sidewalk toward you, and due to some perceived characteristic, such as skin color, a tattoo, or style of clothing, you instantly judge this person as dangerous and potentially violent. Immediately strong gut feelings of fear arise from your abdomen, frightening, and jolting you to attention. But do you pay attention to the intended message and use the fear signal as a way to free yourself, and undo what you are about to create? Probably not! Instead, you immediately do one of two things:

  1. You push down and stop the so-called "negative" feelings, composing yourself, so that you can walk onward as though nothing at all was wrong. After all, you tell yourself, if I show fear I might be attacked, and I am a sensible, civilized, and loving person, so I must maintain my composure and be the strong, wonderful, and gentle being that I imagine myself to be. But if you had been truly smart you would have noticed the fear feelings and then looked into your mentality to see what you were doing to cause fear, and changed your mental actions accordingly until the fear message abated of its own accord. Or you could have gone a step further and resolved your judgmental perception and then updated your perception to one that generated feelings of joy, had you the awareness and foresight to do so, or,
  2. You judge the vigorous feelings of fear to be a confirmation and validation that what you are thinking is correct. Now you will either collapse yourself becoming a victim of life, or you will “pull yourself together,” muster your imagined courage and forcefully “stand-up-for-yourself.”

Either way, the results will probably involve some degree of unpleasantness and violence. There is, however, a third option, an awareness oriented one, which is to observe one’s mentality and then resolve the affected judgments completely the moment they are triggered into viewable action. If and when this kind of true resolution is accomplished the fearful Will feelings will calm down and abate immediately. At this point the oncoming person will pose no threat, as there will be nothing causing them to react to you, and he/she may even suddenly turn and cross the street so as to avoid you entirely.

If you can relate to the above first example you more or less fall into the so-called “love and light” camp. If so, the truth of the matter is that you are not at all gentle or loving; you just pretend to be so, because your mentality is one that will attempt to destroy and kill off any and all parts of yourself that are not liked, squashing and pushing them away to get rid of anything judged negative or base. This kind of behavior is fundamentally violent, definitely premeditated, and of murderous intent, and if you are willing to look it ought to be obvious that you have inner motives that are anything but loving. It all takes place in a flash, deep inside, and so you do not acknowledge what you are doing, while, instead, you go on happily pretending that you are a wonderfully loving and gentle person. In the meantime, outer reality is laid waste by gory violence, murder, and mayhem that you do not recognize as a reflection of your own inner self. If you hate violence and will do whatever it takes to be non-violent, for instance, you are vicious and violent somewhere within yourself, deliberately seeking out, condemning, and killing off the parts of yourself that you do not accept as worthy. If and when you stop pretending and finally do choose to pay full attention to the rampant inner violence and mayhem going on behind your spiritual false front, maybe you will begin to comprehend why there is so much violence out-picturing in the world today. What mankind faces in the physical world, the good and the bad, is just another one of those widespread inner reality reflections that you have been ignorantly helping to inspire and make real, but that no one wants to relate to themselves, once again reversing the intent of the Will.

It is always our choice whether to inflict inner violence on various parts of ourselves, or not. When we do, however, these inner actions appropriately excite the outer reality reflections showing this sorry inner condition, as outer reality provides us with a perfect reflection of our inner choices, whether we choose to acknowledge our inner condition, or not. In the above simplistic scenario, that so-called "bad" person walking down the sidewalk toward you may be drafted into reacting in an appropriate way, perhaps without ever understanding why, but also staying within the limitations of his or her own judgmental mentality. If this person suppresses any violent tendencies you will see reflected your own suppression and collapsed power, if you can allow yourself to see it. But if this person is not afraid and/or actually enjoys providing violent reflections this person will, in all likelihood, be happily triggered into some kind of accurate portrayal demonstrating your own inner use and approval of violence. All the people around us are constantly being drafted to some degree, triggered into acting out our inner reality condition, with each person choosing the limits of their response to any thoughts, feelings, or other impulses we trigger up in them. Because drafting is the norm, one of the ways people avoid facing unwanted aspects of themselves is to surround themselves with people of like mentality, while pushing away, condemning, and/or jailing anyone who is eager and willing to reflect unwanted attitudes and actions.

I clearly remember one occasion when I was drafted while walking down a sidewalk near my home. A woman, who was obviously running some kind of grand "poor-me" scenario, displaying a dour face and downtrodden eyes, was walking toward me. When she was about even with me, a very vivid image suddenly flashed within my mentality, setting off a feeling urge to attack her, filling my body with a vibrating intent. I watched the image bloom, run its little movie and then fade away of its own accord, sort of like enjoying the flickering images on a theater movie screen. The woman had suddenly infused me with a mental image that was designed to initiate and trigger a very hostile and abusive situation. I had been drafted, deliberately asked to participate in her reality, but in a way that I did not want. The image in my head was bright and very clear, and the feelings it activated were equally clear in the intent they carried. I watched the whole process and felt it with great fascination, observing how the woman created her hell on earth, which was something I did not want to be part of in any way. Thus, by choice, I did not participate in her "poor-me victim" reality, but neither did I deny any of the mentality or feelings that had been temporarily but temptingly triggered in me during the process.

Once the woman had passed me and was maybe ten feet away no trace of the image or triggered feelings remained, as I continued walking along to my destination. To the casual observer there was nothing unusual about two people blithely passing each other on the sidewalk. I have no idea what she saw reflected in me. I can never know this, since anything I think I see in others is merely my reflection, which may bear no correspondence at all to anything the other person is seeing and/or experiencing. For me, however, looking into her face and observing what had been triggered up allowed me to momentarily witness and experience a "poor me" attitude that I could relate to within myself and was then soon afterwards able to resolve and release. Thus, I made use of my gift from creation, and did not reverse the intent of my Will. Whether the woman on the sidewalk received any benefit from our exchange I will never know.

It was a wonderful lesson for me, and a splendid example of how to deal easily and quickly with both my mentality and feelings in a very practical way, by working with, resolving, and releasing the triggered energies that urgently vibrated and moved about within me, without having to physically interact with or confront anyone. Moreover, I was able to stay with and let tremble some fairly powerful Will feelings, something that many people would probably immediately judge to be "bad," very upsetting, and/or potentially dangerous, and I did this without ever having to resort to any kind of overt or confronting action. It was an ideal learning moment, when an unexpected situation triggered up mental and feeling energies not normally present, so that I could cleanly and effectively deal with them, forever resolving a bit of otherwise invisible denial within myself.

Blaming the Will is essentially the case whenever someone blames anything perceived as outside of themselves as being causal. Doing this serves to make a person think and judge their current reality more real, more un-resolvable, and probably more unpleasant than ever before. The way out of everything and anything that is unwanted, unpleasant, or confronting is to be in touch with the causal source, the mental seed that incites whatever is disliked and unwanted. This causal seed is always on the inside and not outside, although it may be necessary to recover what seems to be outside before it can be dealt with on the inside. Making matters worse, unless the feeling Will polarity is brought back into the picture as an equal partner, right alongside the often singularly worshipped mentality, the Will cannot be understood, known, or directly experienced, nor can any of the previous mistakes made involving the Will ever be realized, understood, and resolved. Bringing the feeling aspect back into balance means feeling everything very intimately, and letting any feelings expand back into the mentality, touching, and integrating with it, allowing the feeling messages that were originally denied to take their right place in Creation once again. What is required here is much more than just thinking you are feeling something, because if the awareness process is limited to strictly a mental or spiritual exercise nothing at all will be resolved in regards to the Will.

Any hint of mental dislike or aversion toward any expression of Will energy is more than ample inspiration to derail and/or pervert any attempt to know and release what the Will is holding. The tiniest mental intent is greatly amplified by the Will, which can produce exaggerated outward effects that therefore may seem to have no inner correspondence. Thus, whenever the purpose or intent of the Will's feeling communications are disregarded, misunderstood, and/or judged to be what they are not, you can be certain that disaster, or at best, a decline in vitality and any ability to enjoy life, will surely ensue. I have learned to observe carefully what happens inside me whenever I foolishly try to deny some bit of a feeling energy. The perhaps seemingly insignificant act of pushing away a single gut feeling, for instance, has vast ramifications that can go unrealized or overlooked, and then when some distasteful result is finally noticed there is no easy way to connect it to the originating and activating denial event, for which any useful awareness may have been totally lost in the denial process.

So, then, what am I really asking for when I choose to be rid of a particular feeling that arises out of my gut? And if the Will is so powerful and all necessary for life how is it possible to lose awareness of such an essential part of oneself? Looking at this from strictly the familiar mental aspect, what am I actually asking for when I decide that I do not want a particular thought that occupies a portion of my noisy mentality? And maybe even more importantly, what exactly are the results when I deny and ask to be rid of a certain part of my mental aspect? What will I be getting in return for my denial request, and how does it affect my Will?

Someone with a strong desire for awareness can usually learn how to observe and feel exactly what happens, and why. In fact, I have time and time again observed that it is a rather simple mechanism and it can occur in a flash, without much or any thought or consideration for the eventual consequences. Whenever anyone chooses to deny and be rid of a part of themselves, whether it be something disliked about the mentality or of the Will, both the Spirit and Will polarities are usually linked and involved to some extent, and, as such, some of each will tend to go into denial in tandem. If a part of the mental aspect is unwanted and pushed out and away, for example, the choice for any such denial usually includes any Will feelings that are responding to and associated with the piece of the mentality that is disliked, taking out all energy components contributing to what is unwanted. Conversely, when someone hates their gut feelings, pushing away the feeling energy, i.e., a part of their Will, the mentality responsible for setting the feeling aspect into motion may also accompany the Will energy into denial, because it is the interaction between the two polarities that is creating what is unwanted and that has been asked to be removed.

Let's say that I want to be rid of a certain thought, simply because I have judged it bad, rather than spend the time necessary to get to understand it and then resolve it. What I am asking for is essentially a quick and painless fix, and for the unwanted and offending energy to be removed from my presence and/or destroyed. I could even say the words, "I don't like this; go away! So, then, my command is granted and the unwanted and maybe seemingly insignificant bit of mental energy I do not want vanishes from my inner reality awareness. Consequently, I perhaps happily imagine that my problem is solved. But is it? The energy does not cease to exist simply because I did not like what it was attempting to express. Nor does it extinguish itself because I do not want it to be an integral part of me anymore. So, what do you suppose happened to that bit of newly denied energy?

In the case of the Will it is usually its feeling responses that get the mentality riled up, whereupon the feelings are quickly pushed down and denied, feelings such as gut anger, which is often judged to be a "bad" and very "negative" feeling. If I were to ask, for instance, to be rid of any gut feelings, or any Will energy expression, this kind of denial would be a very potent mistake, one that would be much more disabling than pushing away a tiny piece of pure mentality. Pound for pound, denied Will essence carries a great deal more creative punch, or latent creative energy. Compounding matters, any Will denial tends to include along with it a very crucial bit of the mentality, too, that being the exact part of the mentality triggering the feelings and that explicitly understands the reason for generating the Will feelings in the first place. Without this crucial piece of mental logic, lost as part of the Will denial, there is very likely no way to ever understand why I initiated the denial, and consequently how to undo it, even if the feelings associated with that particular denial can be felt. This can be quite a dilemma, since as long as this crucial bit of the mental essence is effectively gone, there can likely never be the awareness necessary to completely resolve either the mental cause or the effect it had on the Will, without somehow finding a way to recover the essential bit of mentality that has been deliberately "lost."

Generally speaking, here is what I have learned to expect when someone asks to be rid of some part of themselves:

8 - Recovery of the Self

It took me a long time to realize that when a bit of my mentality or Will aspect was denied a simultaneous and corresponding denial of each polarity occurred. This was not initially obvious to me because until I had sufficiently resuscitated myself energetically I was far too insensitive to discern amongst many energy subtleties that were normally masked by comparatively noisy background mental and feeling activity. For example, early in my work the return of small amounts of mental energy entrained with much more easily sensed and relatively intense feeling energies went unnoticed. In other words, the major energy polarity being recovered always masked the presence of the minor or much less intense energy component, making it seem like I was recovering only mental or Will energy singularly, but not both simultaneously. I first realized this serious judgmental and observational error during a large recovery of Will energy, which also contained a good dose of mental energy, too.

As the feeling energy aspect was expanding and expressing out, vibrating mightily, it was perhaps eighty-percent of the way through the release process when I suddenly experienced the associated lost mental component that had simultaneously gone into denial with it, as it burst back into my awareness with a bright flash, providing me with an unmistakable level of contrast. The intensity of the mental recovery at that moment let me see very clearly the returning mentality silhouetted against the background of my "normal" mental activity. Then, with the previously lost mentality back in place, which had the understanding of how and why the denial had occurred, it did not take me long to finish unraveling the puzzle and secure the remaining understandings I needed in order to fully resolve the reasons behind the original denial. After this experience I had more of an idea of what to pay attention to during energy recoveries, and was thereafter often able to distinguish with astonishing clarity between the two energy polarities—Spirit and Will. But perhaps more importantly it finally dawned on me that denial always involves both polarities, albeit one polarity might be predominate and therefore tend to obscure the other. It takes only a tiny bit of mental essence to trigger and unleash powerful Will feelings, which then trigger the mentality into fits of denial. Thus, the Will tends to get the blame and large chunks of it get denied away rather quickly, while only a tiny bit of the associated and inspiring mentality goes into denial. With the attention on the feeling aspect, the usually comparatively minute denial induced depletions of the mentality go unnoticed, and with each denial there is less and less mental awareness by which to notice the declining awareness and vitality of the mental aspect. It is a vicious circle of degradation that generally goes unrealized.

The eventually lethal ramifications of such denial were getting much clearer, with it oftentimes being such a subtle process that it went completely unnoticed. Moreover, I found it easily possible to invoke the denial process in ways that did not at first glance seem to ask for denial at all, until I observed the process much more carefully. For instance, I would make plans to do something, but then when the appointed time arrived I would change my mind because I would want to do something else instead. This would activate a judgment saying that I was not supposed to make such last minute changes in my plans, and that so-and-so would be upset at my abrupt about face and think me unreliable. Adding to the mix, the irritated way I viewed this pop-up judgmental nuisance in turn stirred up some Will feelings that I chose to interpret as guilt. But I had made up my mind and I did not want to follow what the judgment required, so I just quietly disregarded the bit of mental essence holding the judgment and went on with what I wanted. I did not specifically ask in so many words to be rid of it, nor did I ask it to go away. I did not think I wanted to get rid of anything. I just chose to not pay attention to it, or so I thought.

On closer examination there were many subtle facets to my little dance of avoidance that had gone carelessly unnoticed. There was mild irritation at having to deal with the judgment regarding not making last minute changes, which is just one of several ways to convey the idea to that judgmental energy that you do not like it, nor do you want it bothering you. Although this is not a direct command to go away, it is, nonetheless, effectively a nicer way of asking the same thing. Furthermore, my avoidance of it was another not so subtle message that I did not want it or its message. So, presto, a bit of my mentality was now effectively denied, and the Will feelings that were responding to it were part of the denial package, too, right along with the mental part. It may not have been one of those spectacular denials where the earth seem to tremble, but add enough of these little losses together and you end up with the same result.

I was more fully realizing the various ways I had been systematically killing myself by incrementally denying bits of myself for a very long time, which caused a portion of my vital energy, now in denial, to come back at me via externalized representations that seemed to be fighting against me no matter what I did, a situation that was probably the same for everyone else, too. But these realizations were only the beginning of what I needed to see, feel, and learn, because what I had externalized I sooner or later chose to blame as causal of my problems, over and over again, further judging that these externalized parts were a separate and evil force that had no direct connection to me, even though I was the originating parental mentality.

The continuing cycle of blame and ever more harsh judging of what outer reality was portraying only added more and more strength and rigidity to the original initiating choice to deny, rather than soften or correct the original problem. One round of blaming and judging inevitably led to the next, with each new and more powerful cycle adding yet more power and denial to the already festering mess. In such a situation, sooner or later, an explosive disaster will more than likely result, as each successive bout of heightened hatred begets the next ever more hostile choice. The more anyone chooses to war with the unwanted, but nonetheless reflected parts of themselves, the more force is asked to be returned in kind, and the game goes on and on, until something temporarily exhausts and stops the process.

It was becoming very obvious that anyone who continuously denies themselves enough will eventually become powerless and quite lifeless, being nothing more than walking dead, or worse. Take a moment and consider, for instance, what is set into motion when a simple Will feeling, such as tiredness, exhaustion, sadness, fear, gut anger, or rage is denied and its imprinted creative intent is consequently pushed outside of the self. The feeling is an indicator of what the mentality is creating, but when the feeling message is judged and denied not only is the mentality creating the unwanted feelings left unchanged, but all the unwanted Will force, along with the mentality creating the feelings in the first place, becomes externalized. This makes what was disliked inside into a force that is despised outside. Moreover, this outside force will come back at its parental source, so as to attempt some sort of energy balance, triggering a resolution if possible. Thus, judging feelings of the Will effectively reverse the intent of the Will, from guiding and protecting the mentality to surrounding it with an outer reality that the mentality hates and then further judges in a misguided effort to save itself from its own creations.

Once Will feelings are judged by the mental aspect their actual intended message value and usefulness is totally lost, and a painful disaster usually follows suit. A case in point is illness, for which the feelings and symptoms the body provides make up the warning message. But instead of noticing how and why the mentality is causing what manifests as disease and sickness, the feelings associated with sickness, along with other symptoms, are judged as something "bad" to be rid of as soon as possible. So, to get rid of the symptoms, essentially killing the messenger without ever realizing there is a message to be read and understood, drugs, surgery, or something even more damaging will no doubt be administered, with the intent of killing and eliminating any unwanted body messages. Thus, the warning message itself is mistakenly seen as an evil demon, something to be fought, stupidly circumventing any possibility that the Will's desperate and attention getting messages will be used as healing guidance.

Another common mistake that prevents true healing resolution is the "positive thinking" approach, such as when forcing oneself to hold a thought that attempts to override and mask what is really going on. This will not work, because nothing will have been done to resolve the underlying mental choices and Will energy that are responsible for creating the symptoms or situation that is being avoided. Ironically, forcing oneself to hold images or thoughts opposite to what is not wanted, such as holding thoughts of wellness, has the effect of adding more power to the unwanted, threatening manifestations. Why? Because strong and powerful choices to not have something require an equal or greater, albeit perhaps unconscious, acknowledgement of those things that are being manifest and that are not liked, although the positive thinker may insist that they are not paying any attention whatsoever to what is not wanted. But this is impossible, because there must be some sort of recognition of what is not wanted before anyone can know what to be positive about, and then pretend to focus only on what is wanted. Thus, positive thinking has the effect of making what is unwanted as powerful, or more so, than it would have otherwise been.

As an experiment, observe someone, or even a group of people, go about fighting a perceived enemy, such as an illness, another person, or a wide-spread event, hoping to stop or kill the enactment. Watch the intensity of the hated physical enactment adjust itself as necessary, appropriately matching the opposing intent and desire to fight it. If you can remain detached enough to observe without making your observations real, notice how and why each cycle of choices triggers a call for greater force, hatred, and/or violence. Pay close attention to what is really being asked for by the participants in the battle. To do this accurately you will need to adjust for the denials each person probably holds, as these will influence the outcome and the rate of the judgmental acceleration that moves the event toward some ultimate disaster. Also notice, if you can, that Creation is actually being very loving by faithfully providing the intensified reflective enactments, exactly as is being asked, even though what is ignorantly asked may be an escalation of ever more horrific pain, torture, and agonizing physical death.

In the case of outright war, whether it be small or large scale rampaging, notice what happens if one of the combatants appears to overpower and crush the perceived opposition. First, will come the glorious proclamations of victory, since the despised enactment will be judged to have been eliminated. But the creative energy responsible for causing the conflict will remain basically intact, albeit transformed and maybe not in an immediately recognizable physical form. But you wait, as it will eventually re-manifest itself, although probably in a completely new way, possibly with new opposing actors, and one that may go unrecognized as having any connection to prior replays. Moreover, more newly added judgments, attitudes, and denials, along with the energy of resistance and violent hatred generated by everyone involved in the conflict, will have been added to the sorry mix. This further empowers the next enactment, causing it to be more severe, powerful, more widespread, more insidious, and difficult to isolate and cut-out, as the new replay ultimately evolves into reflecting any judgmental complexity and hatred added to what already existed.

We all get what we ask for, and lovingly so, although we may be so personally lost and ignorantly unaware that we never notice that the gift we receive is love in a form that goes quite unrecognized. The cycle of reiterations depicted here is a classic example of a judgmental acceleration, a mental process that builds upon itself until something finally stops it, usually a temporary but horrific exhaustion of the energies involved. I have found that mental accelerations are an important mechanism to understand and be able to quickly stop for anyone who truly desires to know what lies hidden and denied at the core of our existence. There is a great deal of denied and very buried terror regarding mental accelerations and the power this kind of process can unexpectedly unleash, for reasons that must be discovered for oneself. But, for a clue as to what lies secreted away, notice what you might want to forever repress if the following scenario happened to you: A primal and parental entity, who still had a majority of its Will-power intact, accidentally set into motion a judgmental acceleration, where one judgment invariably leads to the next stronger and more violent judgment. Within moments, a cascading series of judgments, each one causing physical reality to behave ever more wildly, unleashed a terrifying and horrific fragmentation event, which literally ripped this super-being apart, scattering its dazed remains over a newly created universe.

If you can imagine such a thing, and if while doing so any gut feelings stir within you, it is certain that some part of you still remembers and knows very well what I am writing about in the above example. Finding that part of you, however, and clearly seeing and knowing it may not be easy, and it may take some long term awareness work before it emerges and shows itself for what it is. The good news here is that it is possible to eventually recover all of oneself, if so desired, and if the person will take the time to understand how triggering, as unpleasant and scary as it might sometimes be, is a way of bringing denied energy back into one's awareness and into balance. It is theoretically a very simple process, although it can simultaneously seem to be an impossible looking task.

To get the ball rolling here, do what I have done, and just allow yourself to be activated (triggered) by whatever confronts you in outer reality, such as a word, gesture, action, sound, smell, person, or any other perceived event, letting any mental or feeling energies vibrate and express themselves out fully. Do this until there is absolutely nothing left to release. It sounds easy here in print, but it is usually not. Once triggering occurs there will probably be a literal flood of strong mental judgments that will inevitably try to get in the way and stop any useful expressive movement and progress. It is common for someone under these circumstances to become very confused and perhaps judge the process as too scary or dangerous to be useful. It pays to keep in mind that the nature and strength of any emotionally triggering event must match any mental resistance to ignite the process, setting thoughts and feelings afire. Thus, the more resistance, the more aggressive the triggering the event must be before a genuine release can commence. This requires that we not avoid what moves to confront us via outer reality.

It is wise to never imagine that accomplishing a full and genuine release using triggering will be easy, even for the accomplished awareness traveler. Look at the massive world-wide reflections that show how much people fear dealing with what they have created. Our entire governmental and policing systems are an out-picturing of the aggressive effort spent on preventing any of the countless triggers that outer reality would otherwise easily put in our path, initiating a healing release. Take for example what the beginning awareness neophyte faces, and who may yet have no useful grasp of the mechanics of consciousness. When there are many dangerously powerful emotions that need releasing using the triggering approach alone can often be much more than they can possibly handle safely--without damaging themselves, or someone, or something else. Why? Just try keeping everything unreal when your mentality is screaming at you for some kind of overt action, and what you are feeling vibrates with such an intensity that it strikes terror in your pounding heart, overwhelming you with rampaging emotions that you have no hope of understanding or stopping.

Now, add to this a perceived outer reality enactment, which, although it follows along accurately with the triggered and releasing energy, may seem dangerously threatening. Your mentality may suddenly go berserk, wildly triggered into uncontrollable panic by what you think you perceive as happening, filling itself with a terror induced mania that may well be unstoppable, as you imagine and judge that your survival is at stake, or even worse. Under these seemingly dire circumstances can you still remember that outer reality is unreal, and that it is just following your mental choices and inspirations? Do you have enough awareness experience to know how to stop what your mentality is creating without denying yourself further? To be sure, allowing triggering alone to resolve things requires some courage, and at the same time it requires the mental presence and awareness to stay completely out of the way by not judging and making real anything that seems to be occurring.

But having your mentality stay out of the way and not make the situation worse, especially once you have already judged a situation to be dangerous and unsafe, is not usually an easy thing to do. We all seem to have acquired quite a habitual propensity to endlessly judge our thoughts, feelings, and perceived outer reality surroundings, and we are usually very quick to condemn outer reality as some kind of enemy, and not see it as a reflection given to us by a loving Creation. Thus, it may take quite a bit of mental resolution work, along with the resulting clarity it will bring, before the triggering approach alone can bring about a full and complete release. But for someone who already has a clear understanding of how their mentality works, and who has also bled off lots of emotional steam, the triggering approach is usually relatively easy, and a quick way to get dramatic results. But even for the advanced student a careful and respectful attitude must always be in the forefront. It is very easy to become overconfident and cocky beforehand, and then seriously misstep and momentarily lose it during a triggered release and mistakenly make what is unreal very, very real.

For some of the more dense and solidified Will energies, such as those that make up the human body, I have found many bodywork techniques that are very effective in touching, moving, and expanding the densified emotional issues and feelings trapped and embedded in various body tissues, especially when used in conjunction with all of the awareness techniques I have previously mentioned. Deep tissue bodywork, such as Rolfing, Hellerwork, or the intuitively guided type of bodywork I like to use for myself and friends, is an indispensable tool for getting down into and working with all kinds of deadened and nearly dead body energies. Then, once the dead, numb, and/or lethargic body feelings and emotions are made discernible the usual awareness tools for dealing with the mentality and feeling aspects can be applied with amazing results. But take care to not overstep here, and avoid jumping to the conclusion that it is possible to immediately achieve dramatic results not yet within the realm of possibility. It took me many years of diligent awareness and release work before being able to deal effectively with many entrenched mental conditions and/or unruly seeming Will feelings, some of which were very difficult to work with and slow to respond.

9 - Personal Power and the Will

Most people probably think that having personal power means having a strong and stout mind, a mentality that is vital and with the fortitude to handle adversity with calm determination, so as to win at whatever confronts or attracts them. But this is not what I hope to imply when I use the term. So, then, what is personal power if not a courageous and unrelenting mental resolve, perhaps coupled with an accompanying brute physical force? What I intend and put into the term is this: Personal power is a force or presence that can be felt vibrating in and emanating outward from oneself, and it comes about automatically when the Spirit mentality and Will aspects have an appreciable degree of unconditional acceptance and love for each other, so that the two polarities can be integrated and work hand-in-hand as partners to at least some useful degree. Personal power does not reside in nor come out of one's head, although the head (mental aspect) is always an integral part of the total equation. It is something that the mental aspect can allow, but that it cannot cause to exist through judgmental determination, its cherished logic, or through mental insistence or coercion. Moreover, before the Spirit mentality will be able to allow this kind of personal Will-power to vibrate it must first realize, deal with, and resolve much of the old judgmental content embedded in the mind that causes the Will polarity to seem nonexistent, and remain hidden, unknown, and quiet. Doing this means that the mental aspect must first resolve itself to the extent that it can begin to be able to get out of its own way.

For anyone who chooses to continually judge life in general, and especially to judge that any kind of power is somehow bad, there will be no opportunity to know the Will as a trustworthy and valued companion, or that its limitless power is completely loving in nature, albeit tempestuous and fiercely so at times. This statement might seem like quite a paradox, because how can something be gentle and loving and at the same time be wild and ferocious? This conundrum is at the crux of the problem facing most people who have no appreciable awareness of the Will, but yet have an eager interest in understanding it and its place in the overall scheme of things. Across the board, it is probably safe to say that even though the Will is the progenitor of the physical reality that surrounds us, with both its manifest and un-manifest energy enveloping and cradling us from all sides, the Will, as such, goes unrecognized as a part of our life story, and it seems to be almost universally unknown in a world that essentially worships only the Spirit (mental) aspect. But that this is the case ought naught be surprising. Most people are so locked up in a vast web of cherished judgmental ideas, beliefs, and temporal demands that they no longer have any mental room to manifest any truly new thoughts or desires, and so consequently they have no ability to experience the Will and what it can do, or that they might even have a Will aspect at all. Most people simply focus what remaining attention they can muster on what has already been manifest and that appears to be more or less structurally constant and predictable. They never take the time to consider or realize that they are merely experiencing their own judgmentally rigidified inner prison expressed outwardly via physical reality, they no longer able or willing to see that anything else exists in a universe that is essentially magical for those with the eyes to see it and the Will feelings to feel it.

Before anyone can begin to truly comprehend what I mean by the simple phrase “personal power,” or any kind of real power when I write about the Will, they must first put aside their old entrenched ideas, beliefs, and notions about what they think power is, or what it is supposed to be. This is precisely what I have had to do, reluctantly at times, but nevertheless a necessity. The Will's power, which can be experienced as one's personal power, has no counterpart in the usual mental concept of power that is so very prevalent in government circles and society in general today. The former is awesome, loving, and unlimited, while the latter consists of a rigid mental tyranny imagined to be power, and this mental idea of power is manipulative and often very brutal in the way it deals with anything not sanctioned, liked, or wanted. Moreover, such mentally based power systems are unable to exist effortlessly of and by themselves. To keep such a mental tyranny in place requires constant effort in the form of a vast and vigilant police network. Just like an inner tyranny, where the person is constantly on guard against "bad" thoughts or feelings, the outer representation also guards against people who do not think, feel, or behave in what are judged to be acceptable ways, and the punishment for disobedience is the same inside as it is outside, brutality and death. It is just that the inner reality activity is more easily overlooked and camouflaged with a pretended smile of pleasant happiness. In the outer world, however, the gore is physically evident for anybody to see and experience.

Power, as such, is not wrong, nor is it inherently something that corrupts. If power is experienced as overbearing, hurtful, and/or as corrupt, it is the sum of the mentality involved that so inspires such a perfectly corrupt outer reality experience and all that goes along with it. For all who choose to participate in such a scenario, whether they be a dominator or an underdog, there will be appropriate reflections showing the domineering, corrupt, dishonest, and brutal behavior within each participant's mentality. The domineering forces will be in perfect balance and harmony with the dominated and suppressed population. Look carefully inside and notice what you judge power to be. What side of the earthly power fence are you on? Are you a mentally powerful person who forces yourself on others, who bullies and rules over the affairs of others, just like you do to yourself? Or, are you someone who has made themselves into an underdog, a loser and victim who gets pushed around and abused by some appropriately domineering mentality, and have made themselves this way by brutalizing into submission the parts of themselves that have not been accepted and liked?

Ironically, in this kind of commonplace power scenario both the tyrant and the underdog have a domineering and abusive mentality, but each has used what they think is power for entirely different end purposes. The tyrant and his associates use the idea of power to dominate and control others, while the poor underdog uses his or her power to be relatively powerless, beating down any natural power that might have otherwise been present. This makes both the tyrant and apparent victim perfect partners and reflections for each other, each reflecting the others person’s abusive mentality in an appropriate way. Thus, under normal circumstances, with so much habitual conditioning regarding power, it may be very difficult for many people to accept the idea that the Will's power, as such, is completely loving in nature, quite the opposite of what the mental aspect inspires on its own. Actually getting a handle on what I am implying here is much easier said than done, especially so because what has been widely accepted as power on earth has been such a source of violence, enslavement, pain, and death, which are all apt reflections for the mentality involved in such mentally based power structures. Hopefully, however, by now it should be a little bit apparent that by blending the attributes of a sterile mentality with the love, feelings, and knowledge of the Will some sort of new power experience would result, and one that is quite different than what is generally experienced on earth today.

Ask yourself this question: How can a mental based tyranny have any real power if a constant and brutal force of some type is required to keep it in place? And how long can it go on before all of the players exhaust themselves to the point whereby the whole system collapses for lack of energy to keep it going? Once the internal (inner) reality and external (outer) reality policing force is tired out and disrupted the whole system of suppressive domination falls apart, possibly in a chaotic upheaval that will probably be judged to be a worse condition than was the old tyranny itself. As for myself, having to constantly look over one's shoulder to fend off an attacker so as to keep the pretended power intact is not the kind of false power that I personally want or seek. What I envisage and desire as power is effortlessly self-sustaining, and it does not involve manipulation, domination, or forced control over anyone or anything. Instead, what I desire is a partnership with the underlying forces that create life and the outer reality that surrounds us. This entails appreciating, loving, and knowing the creative essence that begets life, so that my love can be reflected back in joyfully beneficial and practical ways. Working together with a mutual intent, then, I can partake in a source of real power that completely transcends the common earthly misfortunes that result when a mental only, tyrannical approach is implemented.

Contrast, now, if you will, the mental idea of power to the real personal power that exists effortlessly for someone who is in touch with their Will, which is a kind of power that cannot seem to exist at all for the person who steadfastly chooses and worships only the mental aspect and its judgmental tendencies. For these mental oriented people the Will's knowledge and power will have been for the most part lost and far out of any apparent awareness, and in its place a perverted idea of powerless power will be all they will be able to comprehend. But for the person with a clean mentality who has invited and allowed true Will-power no effort is required to maintain it, and no forceful domination or any of the other things that are normally thought to be essential for someone in a strictly mental power position are necessary. The truly powerful person's inspiring word is their power. It is easy to know when someone has it, because life will respond to their word without undo hesitation or fault. Of course, there are varying degrees of manifesting probability here, depending upon the openness and “cleanliness” of one’s mentality and the degree of Will presence and integration. The closed mind will be essentially ineffectual, while the open and Will integrated mind may inspire a quick and accurate outer reality response, with a widely ranging mix of effectiveness lying in between these two extremes. Logically then it should make sense that the more open and integrated the mentality the more someone’s spoken intent is likely to influence outer reality, and increasingly the more dense and “inert” aspects of outer reality, with the ultimate test being this: Let's say, for instance, that I need to have a trench dug. To do this I speak my word, vibrating my intent into the surrounding ethers. If the earth does not part of its own loving accord and the trench spontaneously appear as I asked then I do not yet have real power. Thus, until I do I shall keep a shovel handy.

One of the fundamental goals of this awareness work is to reestablish personal Will-power for oneself. This means learning about the Will and how to deal with it. Fortunately, I developed a great deal of respect for my Will early on in my work. At the time I was still rather unsure of it, what it could do, and to what extent its power might accidentally be unleashed by some kind of stupid move on my part. I had read several books that mentioned in passing that dealing with and/or forcing the kundalini energies up the spine could be quite dangerous, and I was certain that I did not want to harm myself or anyone else in any way. I was further aware that what I knew of as the Will went far beyond the relatively limited concept of what was commonly referred to as kundalini energy. Because of this, and from everything I had heard and learned from first-hand experience, I decided that I had better love the Will and not see it as some kind of dangerous demon or as a part of myself that was of a less than equal status. This was long before I really knew what it was that I was supposed to love. Nonetheless, I reasoned that if I loved it, whatever it might really turn out to be, it should rightly reflect that same degree of love back to me, keeping me reasonably safe from the dire hazards I had been warned to expect. My goal here was to become more aware and personally powerful, and not to do something really stupid, accidentally maiming or killing myself in the attempt. Thus, I took a cautious approach, easing my way along respectfully and with great care.

Is the Will as all powerful as I suspected it might be? Yes, it very much is and it is even much more so than I dared to anticipate, but not in the way that most mental oriented people might think and imagine. While it may be theoretically possible that the Will could vaporize or disintegrate some opposing entity or thing (with that entity or thing’s effective but perhaps unrealized consent), an entity with such Willpower would probably never be in such a dire or unpleasant situation. The Will’s power is creative, and as such it brings into manifest form the desired and appropriate life experience. While it may be that the average earthly will-less and arrogantly victim oriented mentality seeks to crush and obliterate any belligerents or other impediments in its path, the truly willful entity would never experience any such opposition or have a need to obliterate anything—unless, of course, it wanted to maintain a life experience of continual fighting, pain, and suffering. But I am not one desiring to maintain a contentious and raucous lifestyle. Instead I am using this awareness work to reach for a more majestic and noble goal, one where my life is filled with beauty, joy, splendor, and an overall sense of bliss. However, I am still such a babe in the woods on the subject of obtaining some ultimate bliss, and I am a very long way from being able to probe the Will’s supreme limits, if there are any.

In the meantime, back to earth, I still endure some of the normal day to day disappointments and drudgery common to all earthlings. Yet, in spite of still being stuck here on earth, I have experienced many exciting moments that definitely are pushing me toward my ultimate goals. There have been a number of occasions when my mentality was activated in such a way as to spontaneously set off some very powerful and startling Will experiences. There have been several instances, for instance, where multiple silvery-feeling "tunnel like fingers" of magnetic Will energy reached out of my body and directly interacted with physical outer reality, making it clearly evident that my Will was very much connected to the outer reality that I had been thinking, prior to these experiences, was something quite separate from me. There was no more denying that my Will had a very direct hand in everything that played out in my life. And as if this kind of thing was not enough proof, I have had other experiences that have oddly allowed me to actually "see" by means of a feeling kind of vision a phenomena that I can best describe as Will energy "waves" propagating throughout the matrix of my observable physical reality. It first happened when a friend, standing maybe ten feet away, was suddenly triggered and flashed hot with emotion. I watched in spellbound fascination as a "wave" of energy was emitted, set into motion by my friend's suddenly intense mental actions. As the "wave" reached me and rippled though the area of my upper body I could literally watch various judgmental imprints sensitive to the feeling content of the "wave" become triggered, setting off mental and physical reactions that produced the appropriate reflective responses. It was a fantastic lesson, and one that I have used to my advantage ever since.

With the aforementioned experiences in mind, I have found it pays to have a very clear working understanding of the mechanics of the mentality, as well as of the Will itself, before playing mental games that might trigger powerful Will interactions. What we pretend to know will not help, and "positive thinking" is not a substitute for true understanding. What's more, thinking it so can get someone into immediate trouble. We must know our mentality precisely as it truly is, not as we might prefer or pretend it to be. What we stupidly choose to keep hidden from ourselves can inspire unexpected and personally grave consequences at lightning speed during heightened Will movement. I know from first-hand experience the tremendous value of knowing my mental mechanisms so intimately that I have an idea how my mind will respond under pressure and/or panic, and how this kind of knowledge can save me from a lot of ignorantly induced unpleasantness, pain, and downright horror. I have become very intimately familiar with what kinds of spontaneous stray thoughts are likely to pop into my head when I least want or expect any mental interference. And, very importantly, I have lots of hands-on experience recovering from some relatively powerless "bad" situations, such as when my mentality tends to abruptly go berserk when a moment of terror strikes and everything seems to suddenly ramp up and go wrong, and I worked diligently to prepare myself for such situations long before truly powerful Will expansions came my way.

If this stuff about the Will makes no sense to you it is only because your mental choices and values have so diminished your ability to experience the Will that its presence seems rather improbable, or maybe it will be experienced as totally nonexistent. Consequently, what I have shared in this writing will seem implausible and perhaps quite impossible, maybe even mad and/or laughable. But choices can be reversed if and when there is a genuine desire to do so. This means that anyone, no matter how denied they may be, can probably awaken the experience of having a Will to at least some degree. But I am not optimistic that there will be any widespread and voluntary public interest or desire to awaken themselves anytime soon, if ever. So far, it seems that mankind is quite content to treat the mental aspect as superior and the favored and only polarity, seeing itself as superior to all other life forms. But what mankind does not see is that these other so-called inferior life forms are part of itself in denial, for reasons that each person will have to discover and deal with for themselves.

To get a fair idea of how disconnected and isolated we have made ourselves through denial and pretense, and how detached we have become from the whole, try this simple experiment: Tonight, if the skies are clear, go outside and look up into the night sky and scan the distant heavens. Notice how huge and vast the universe appears to be when compared to the relatively insignificantly sized you, or even when compared to nothing more than the relatively tiny Earth. Now, consider this possibly absurd seeming postulation: The ratio between this perceived vastness and yourself is a fair measure of how disconnected and denied you are from the whole of Creation. So, does the little tight-fisted nugget of mental energy you worship and see as yourself get what I'm articulating here? This ratio is an indication of how much of yourself has been lost through fragmentation, set in motion due to your own gross ignorance and utter stupidity about how the underlying mechanics of consciousness actually work. It is also a simple measuring stick that ought to provide anyone who wants to live ample incentive and motivation to get busy reversing the process of energy loss through self-induced fragmentation, denial, and the resulting misery and death that has been their lot up until this very moment.

10 - In Conclusion

Since my heartfelt decision in 1972 to honestly get busy knowing and understanding what was happening inside me, so that I could permanently change what seemed outside and separate from me, I have come to intimately see, feel, understand, and know much about the once mysterious and seemingly very elusive mechanics of consciousness. So much for the better, but where is my awareness effort taking me? Foremost, it has given me the understandings as to how to increasingly let the underlying creative forces of life effortlessly work on my behalf, to be my companion and friend, without me any longer thinking that I have to hate or fight against what I formerly feared, misunderstood, or did not like about my life experience. As the desire and the judged need to fight or defend myself gradually dissolved away into a new found sense of fulfillment and freedom, feelings of beauty and joy progressively flutter through me like a welcome summer breeze.

To be sure, I did not start out my awareness adventure thinking I would discover what might be called "unknowable" secrets of the universe. Happily, though, such a thing just seems to be a normal part of this awareness work, and at an ever accelerating pace as a direct consequence of recovering "lost" parts of myself, each of which contains a missing piece of the puzzle. But as much as I have learned I still cannot tell how far I have walked on my awareness path. This is partly because, as I have progressed in my inner work, a great deal of my past has been undone, resolved, and released to the point that I have no way of looking behind me and gauge how far I have gone on my awareness path. I simply cannot see and/or perceive that which is no longer held within my mentality. Nor can I look forward and see what is yet to come. I have no way of accurately knowing how far I have yet to go, because I cannot see, perceive, or measure what still lies outside the scope of my still relatively puny and limited awareness.

Although I have chosen to go all the way, whatever that may turn out to be, I do not know how far that is, nor do I need to know. All I need know is that I want to go the full course, and do so at a pace that allows me to easily and effectively deal with whatever confronts me, without getting in over my head and glossing over important and necessary details. Then, as the path continues to open before me, step by step, I merely have to take whatever little step is right in front of me, and then handle what is directly in the way of taking the next one. This awareness work is not an all or nothing process. Like a fine meal, you can pick what you want to eat and nibble away at it, chewing it very carefully, and then when you are ready, swallow and digest it fully.

Awareness work, as I see and use it, is not about continually attempting to fix, manipulate, or change anyone or anything outside of myself in order to obtain the results I deem necessary, nor is it about making my life look prettier by adding cosmetic camouflage. It is an inner process that eventually produces permanent outer reality results, and it does so by working with one's own inner reality. The whole awareness process--which includes some very practical techniques (tools as I sometimes call them) that have evolved and that have proven effective in accomplishing what might otherwise seem impossible--is about loving oneself so completely that no part of the self remains in denial or left behind to suffer pain or discomfort. My journey has, and continues to be, a wonderfully transformative adventure. Already I have been able to easily undo many of the stubbornly painful old patterns and enactments that had been replaying over and over again, following me for many lifetimes. This, in and of itself, has made my work worth the effort.

Thus it is, if nothing more were ever to come of my awareness adventure, which is highly unlikely, just being able to permanently stop those old repeating adversities is ample reward. But I aspire for much more than the resolution of a mere handful of objectionable replays in my life. I want it all--whatever joy and beauty life can offer! If I am made in the image of God, as some ancient writings suggest, then I, too, am representative of God, and directly possess the same abilities if and when I am willing to get out of my own way and let the magic happen. Without doubt or hesitation, I can assure you that I do not intend to run away from this kind of divine inheritance. But if I am of God then why am I separate and seemingly diminished in power and stature? I have recently come to know this answer. My separation is by choice, my choice to be independent, thinking I understood life and knew how to make it work. But I was wrong, although now I am realizing and knowing the mechanics behind it all. My choice to be separate was not wrong, because that choice inevitably let to me into an adventure that was to uncover the mistakes that have made life on earth what it is, and now that understanding can and has flowed back into my greater self and parent. My once strong desire for independence is waning and my yearning to go home is growing intense, yet my ultimate goal remains the same, while much more expansive in scope and understanding. My unrelenting aim is to go for it all, and to get everlasting results, which seem to require that I have impeccable seeing and feeling, so that I can know everything for what it is, without any evasive pretense or excuses. It is to this glorious end that this awareness work of mine is dedicated.

Terry Hathaway