Why Me and Not You?

and the seeming impenetrability of this consciousness work

Settling the Mystery of Me

Why me? Why am I the one filled with all of this obscure esoteric and paranormal awareness stuff? Am I a misfit? Am I crazy? These are questions I had asked myself over and over many times during the course of this lifetime. Now, however, I happily no longer feel any need to ask myself such questions. This is because during the last two decades, when my awareness adventure intensified to the point where it exploded with images and myriad details about how consciousness works, the long asked question as to “why me” was adequately resolved and forever put to sleep. Moreover, it was answered to such a precise extent that I could easily understand and thereafter explain the fundamental mechanics behind it all. Okay, you utter, then, what is this great and grand answer? To give a vastly simplified answer that hopefully might make some sense, I am what remains of an original parental blob of essence that, over the eons and through countless earthly “reincarnations” embraced, rather than completely fragmented out and/or denied away, my distant heritage and knowledge. Thus, fortunately for me, some of it was still alive and vibrating within my normal awareness. Naturally, these live embers still smoldering deep within gave me ample motivation and an edge when it came to awakening myself and learning how to recover what I had lost through the ages due to my own stupidity and ignorance about how living essence interacts.

But as the old question of “why me” was being resolved a new question soon arose, and to this day how to pass on some useful semblance of this old knowledge remains an enigma. Of all the thousands of words I have written about this subject the true essence of it all still cannot be easily captured or transmitted by mere written words alone. Because the text was generally found inadequate of and by itself for awhile it was thought that personal contact with someone who understood this work was a necessary component. However, even that combination did not do the job, except that it occasionally helped an initiate make some discernible progress, but only in a few rare cases. Rewarding as any small successes were, even then much of the observed progress seemed to vanish once personal contact and/or active tutoring was terminated. This left me in the odd position of having some very effective information and techniques that could be put to many practical everyday uses, but no one to give it to or who could make much use of it on a sustainable basis.

No matter how simple and obvious this awareness stuff seemed to me it remained almost an impenetrable subject for the majority of the people who had attempted to understand what the hell I was up to and working to accomplish. As such, it is an understatement when I say that I was often surprised at just how little someone really comprehended or retained when presented with virtually any awareness topic, even after hours of careful personal tutoring and study using the Supplemental Manual and other writings. It now seems to me that the only way to permanently get and understand this stuff is to trust the process so completely and passionately that overt experiences are eventually triggered that expose the student to the kind of omnipotent energetic forces that served to shape my own inner and outer reality learning and knowing. The trouble here is that all but one person have bolted for one irrational reason or another before there was any real chance of them experiencing some of the wonderful and highly unusual phenomena that guided me into much greater awareness and understanding of what are usually unseen and unknowable processes. Some initiates departed due to fear of facing some aspect of themselves, others ran away because of outright distrust of the awareness process, and nearly all left with incomplete or no real understanding of anything. And laughably all walked away arrogantly thinking and judging that they clearly understood what this awareness work was all about. Moreover, they thought they knew how to do it better, too, while keeping it comfortable for themselves by doing something they construed as awareness work but structured the way they wanted it, when, in actuality, they did not have a clue about what had been offered or how to use or improve upon what they never understood or comprehended. But the humorous farce did not end there. The departed initiate tended to rebound into some group or style of thinking contrary to this work, which looked to me like a step backward from an overall awareness perspective.

So it was that recently I was surprised once again. An old acquaintance who had a lot of exposure to this awareness work sent me an email directing me to an Internet site advertising a new book detailing several brief “out of body” episodes by a woman who had clinically died, but had each time returned to her still alive and recovering physical body. My friend was certain that I would find the book to be very interesting, with a title that proclaiming we live forever. Well, I already knew about these kinds of things when I was just a little child diligently trying to figuring out where I had come from and why I had chosen my current parents and living circumstances. My childhood was a frustrating time in that I knew but did not know, the old knowledge I sensed was tantalizingly close, but just enough out of reach that I could not quite put my finger in it. Time had resolved that puzzle, and so, consequently, the recommended book was of little or no use or interest to me.  But the point of this writing is not the book proclaiming that we live forever. The point here is what did not occur, or perhaps better stated as what did not sink in and make an impression. My friend, after maybe two years of fairly intense study reading the Supplemental Manual, along with much personal tutoring by both myself and my associate Rich, never realized the scope and genesis of this awareness work and the lifetimes of accumulated knowledge it represented. How could this be? How could this person never realize that reincarnation and living forever was a fundamental and integral part of my knowledge and awareness?

Looking back, sessions with this friend were oftentimes a tumultuous affair. He stubbornly resisted and fought the material presented almost constantly, trying to twist and turn it into something else, something unrecognizable when compared to what we being presented, all the while doing his best to put on a happy face no matter what turmoil might be boiling underneath his positive exterior presentation. Although he struggled valiantly, his awareness studies, at least with this particular work, finally came to an abrupt halt one day when he could no longer easily avoid having to face up to some of his fiercely denied rage and anger, which he was totally unwilling to touch, deal with or accept. As a consequence of his insistence of denying parts of himself he quickly pulled away, just like so many others before him who thought they had heroic qualities and could deal with anything, but then quickly jumped ship when it came to truly facing some feared and carefully concealed aspect of themselves buried within. So he went away, probably blaming Rich and me for his self-generated troubles and for not sympathizing with his demanding, tyrannical mentality.

The theme of his excuse was not unusual, he letting us know that he had been hearing and reading about how we were supposed to be gentle and loving beings, and that anger and other “bad” stuff was to be risen above and left behind. So, here was another example of someone trying desperately to escape from himself, and obviously not ready to do any real awareness work. At this point I recommended that he follow his newly discovered spiritual path and see where it led him. By doing this he could stay comfortably within his old mental prison, while pretending to be the gentle and loving person he aspired to be, and do so until he eventually discovered that there was nowhere more to go until he chose to incorporate some of his lost consciousness into his life and lovingly make it part of the process. Once again, after expending a lot of time and effort the initiate pooped out, never seemingly able to fully realize where this awareness work came from or why. It did not seem to matter the scope of what had been covered, or that I had talked voluminously about specific ancient memories and past life experiences over and over again, as well as enumerate how countless lifetimes of work had culminated into what I called awareness work. So it was when I received his recent email I wondered if it might be useful for me to write something more about this work, and clearly outline the source and scope of this particular inner work.

So, here I go, explaining once again

I was literally born into this lifetime with a propensity toward this kind of awareness work. It was not an optional enhancement, but a natural and normal infusion of vibrating, pulsing, inquisitive desire that just came with the package, and right from the get-go. Because of my own peculiar makeup and nature I have been able to recall and remember many, many lifetimes, beginning with my original emergence and right on up the chain to this current lifetime, as well as remember why I chose my parents and current circumstances. I remember living without a dense earthly body, and I remember coming to earth and why, which, looking back on my decision, was an utterly stupid idea. However, on the plus side, doing so put me in a position of finally understanding what went wrong during my emergence event and how all the pieces that make up what I have termed the Mechanics of Consciousness fit together. It has not been an easy or pleasant journey, but a gratifying and rewarding one. For several of my earthly lifetimes I clearly remember dying and lifting up and away, soon to return to a new earthly experience, where I learned a little bit more about myself and how and why things work the way they do. Of the self-generated death situations that I remember they ranged from heroic actions in battle up to a more modern day assassination to stupidity on my part. Dealing with disembodied personalities and the run-of-the-mill paranormal and/or esoteric stuff is all part of my life experience and this awareness work, and not at all weird or unusual to me, since it has always been a natural and fundamental part of my life experience. However, I recognize that this is not the case for many, if not most people.

With all this past life experience bubbling and vibrating inside me it was no wonder that it would eventually burst out into the open, whereupon I would seek out and accept radical new understandings augmenting what I already intuitively understood and felt, and that would allow me to clearly comprehend much more about who and what I was. Precursors leading up to what was to become an astonishing awareness period of awakening began in earnest during the 1980s, with sporadic but major events that served to peak my interest and enthusiasm. I began eagerly searching out and reading in an attempt to learn more and satisfy the strange itch that was strengthening on a daily basis deep inside. I investigated various religions and attended many a workshop and seminar that ranged from the paranormal to the out-of-this-world spiritual. I probably read some 150 recommended books on esoteric and occult topics, but while the subject matter was often intriguing and thought provoking, none of the books filled the growing void inside or sated my thirst to understand the totality behind life. By 1992 I was what you might call fully ripened, brimming with desire and a driving willingness to tackle the unknown and/or the so-called unknowable, and so I asked and pleaded to know, no matter what the consequences. Then, during the period of 1992 to 1995 the moment of successive mystical revelations commenced, with powerful experiences that accelerated in ferocity until a supreme moment arrived when Will ignition became more or less commonplace. This period of inner and outer reality instruction was the culmination of my initial introduction into the otherwise mysterious Mechanics of Consciousness, and the intense and exciting learning experiences that resulted became the basis for the writing of the Supplemental Manual, with its primary purpose being to leave behind a palpable and useful trail for which other explorers might someday follow.

So, with memories and visuals that extend all the way back to the beginning of this Creation, with some intuition about what preceded even that, it ought to be no surprise that I come up with some of the awareness stuff that litters my writings. But how are such old memories possible, you ask? Well, they are possible, and I am probably not the only being on this planet that has such ancient memories and knowing, although I might be more capably aware and know better how to use what I retain due to my own choices and desire to understand. Whatever the case here, however, if you want to find out how to know and use what lies hidden inside yourself get your ass busy and learn something about denial and the essence fragmentation it fosters, and how to recover what has been lost out of your totality and awareness. It’s all here in this web site if you have the patience and desire to dig out the gems and use them. If you do not like my approach and do not want to use this material as a guide then go out and discover how to recover your lost bits completely on your own. It does not matter exactly how and where you do it—just do it!

In Summary

More and more it seems as though the ability to understand and make use of this awareness stuff depends entirely upon a gifted student, one who, prior to being introduced to this material, already inherently possessed some fundamentally necessary  capabilities and knowledge, coupled with a predilection toward this kind of awareness pursuit. That is, being born (reincarnated) with at least some bit of remnant parental ember, whether realized or not, that can spontaneously spark and be set ablaze when exposed to this awareness material. Then, once ignited, the glowing embers can provide a resonate substrate upon which a broader foundation can be constructed, which then leads to further recovery, more personal power and so on. However, without some inherent threshold level of original knowledge and insight there is apparently not enough substance to successfully self-resonate into ignition and then further expand into a useful degree of recovery activity. So, then, if this is so, where does that leave you, the reader, and most everyone else? I do not have a definite answer for this question. Each individual person will be slightly different and perceive my words in their own unique way, but I suppose it may be that for someone devoid of any natural awareness abilities they will have to trust in some predetermined process they do not understand nor comprehend, forging ahead on a trail that they know not, like a lost hero, until they eventually stumble into and initiate some kind of process that brings them the useful awareness results they hoped to achieve. Who out there has that kind of blind faith? Who out there has the passion and fortitude to carry them through the difficult times when progress temporarily seems at a standstill and any further headway seems utterly hopeless?

If this kind of hypothetical scenario is reasonably correct it suggests that this web site may be useful to only a tiny, perhaps insignificant proportion of the human populace, presuming, of course, that someone who could use this material can find it. Nonetheless, if only a handful of people are triggered into some sort of useful awakening I consider my writing--which has been a wonderful awareness tool for me--to have been well worth the effort. To those few incipient students the upshot here is this: This web site offers some unusual self-help awareness writings that may be able to provide a useful trail into the exploration of your own inner reality wilderness. If nothing else, my writings might provide some good laughs and entertainment for the skeptical and arm-chair enthusiasts. What a deal! But wait, there is more. There is absolutely no obligation whatsoever, nothing to buy, nothing to sign, no written tests and it is all offered for free.

For me the next phase of my awareness journey seems to be on the horizon, if not already upon me. Having achieved some useful mastery of the Spirit mentality and its companion Will polarity, next for me is to achieve a working mastery of the personal body and the rest of the physical realm. And by mastery here I do not mean the ability to go out and get a good paying highly skilled job toiling away at some earthly enterprise. To get where I want to go means ever more detaching from the earthly attachments that keep me stuck here and fitfully wallowing around in a reality infected with countless judgmental limitations, none of which is natural for me or what I ultimately want. Thus, I have a lot of constant motivation to keep my nose to the grinding-wheel, which in awareness terms means delving ever further into the still unknown world of awareness and make my way through the remaining self-created muck and stench that I have yet to resolve. To be sure, I anticipate that what still faces me will be challenging at the least, but probably much worse and maybe nearly impossible. At least I know where I am ultimately going, no matter that the next step may yet be uncertain or unclear. And while I may temporarily experience failure, take a wrong turn, occasionally misstep, stumble and fall, no matter that I may be bruised and bleeding, I will get myself up and recover from such momentary travails and keep on going, just like the Energizer Bunny. Even if I do not reach my goal this lifetime and have to be reincarnated once again to complete my task I will go on, and do so without relent, I will go on. Consider this writing to be my solemn declaration of intent, and you, dear reader, are welcome to join me in my adventure if you dare.

Terry Hathaway
December 31, 2008