Losing an Addiction

Through Awareness

Awareness versus Addictions

It can hardly be stated too often, that in the world of awareness work the idea is to become aware of fundamental root choices that are causal, and that set the usually unobserved life forces into creating whatever is perceived to exist. Then, once there is enough awareness, and the invisible has become visible, it is possible to easily and effortlessly resolve what was formerly impossible to change. However, reaching this "magical" point requires being truly willing to recognize and actually look at all the old choices embedded within the mentality in new and more aware ways, and then concurrently allow any associated Will energies to participate in any release. If and when this kind of mental plus Will resolution and release becomes easy, even the most troublesome of problems melt away, due to having resolved the simple, primal choice that was responsible for holding in place what had previously seemed to be an impossible situation.

It is an incredibly simple undertaking to resolve what lies within the mentality, but, paradoxically, for anyone who has not yet clearly observed their inner reality, or the portion of their mentality responsible for a particular scenario, resolution can seem to be an impossible task. Fortunately, however, by merely choosing to earnestly become aware, the process of self-healing and awareness will more or less automatically begin. Then, as the path unfolds of its own accord, by dealing step by little step with whatever is noticed within the mentality, gradually whittling away at all the old, embedded choices, and then letting any Will feelings associated with that mentality vibrate themselves back into freedom and release, an addiction and the reasons for its existence will sooner or later evaporate of their own accord. Furthermore, as addictions and other mental afflictions quietly drop away their absence may not even be noticed, until later, that is, when someone points out that you are different, and that you no longer seem affected by whatever it is that has  mysteriously disappeared.

Addictions are no more a problem than many other things that will normally confront any eager awareness student. They start out like any other mental process, i.e., a singular choice, which may then initiate a series of additional, supporting decisions. But despite any apparent differences with any other mental process, all addictions are precisely the same, at least to the extent that they are contrived mental mechanisms that are put in place and maintained to keep some disliked aspect of the self buried and hopefully out of the way. Thus, an addiction can be viewed as the direct result of choosing not to deal with and resolve some deeper issue. Instead, the original issue is overlain with addictive behavior that serves to obscure and push away the underlying, unresolved problem.

Then, sooner or later, when the underlying reason for an addiction has been essentially "lost" out of one's awareness, the addictive mechanism and/or the effects it has on behavior will be judged to be the root problem. The behavior it incites will be criticized and blamed, with attempts made to forcibly alter and/or correct it. But the addictive mechanism that is under attack cannot allow the addiction to be substantially changed or stopped, otherwise it cannot do the job originally asked of it, which is to keep something unwanted in denial. Thus, a battle ensues between differing factions of the mentality, with the conflicts being enacted in outer reality, too. As the focus and blame falls more and more on any resultant behavior and body reactions these become the "new" problem to deal with, as the part of the mentality responsible for creating the addiction in the first place is safely overlooked and forgotten.

With the focus and blame squarely centered on the more likeable and enjoyable outer reality problems, i.e., correcting one's so-called errant behavior and/or body symptoms, the purpose of the addiction will have been achieved, by keeping attention off of the actual "lost" root cause. But why not actually face the original causal decision and undo it and be done with it all? Time and time again I have noticed that anyone who genuinely sticks with what I know to be awareness work does, over time, lose all kinds of addictions, and does so rather effortlessly. The more awareness gained and put to use, the more addictions will be resolved and gone forever, and all will probably have been released without the person specifically working to rid themselves of any particular addiction. The realizations and changes necessary for a resolution just occur naturally during the overall awareness process, oftentimes without the student ever knowing how or why they solved a problem.

There is nothing magical about it. Losing an addiction through increased awareness is generally easy and almost automatic, but if, and only if, the Will is included in the awareness and resolution process, which is something a disconnected mentality by itself cannot achieve, enjoy or ever comprehend. If there is any miracle to resolving addictions, it is that someone actually has the self-motivation to be willing to actually see, face, understand and then change their various life predicaments. As the old saying goes: "Many are called, but few are chosen," or, more correctly,  "Many are called, but few choose."

For anyone willing to choose, however, and truly look inside and deal with whatever is found, stunning results are quickly possible. Any addictive behavior has a specific root cause, the so-called addiction being nothing more than the tool used by the mentality to mask what would otherwise be apparent, which is more often than not some kind of Will feelings, along with an associated reality, such as a dismal lethargy, a numbing depression or feelings of a rotting death and dying. This means that anyone who has created an addiction for themselves, whether it be food, drink, behavior or drug centered, can, with willingness, discover the root cause and resolve it, forever disabling any effects it had on them.

The short story that follows is a good example of what can happen, simply and without any diligent effort to quell an addictive aspect of the mentality:

Rich's Last Drink . . .
My first experience with alcohol was on the first night of summer vacation at the end of my junior year of high school. I shared two bottles of beer and a half bottle of Jack Daniels with four of my high school friends. I remember clearly that none of us enjoyed the taste of the alcohol, but we made ourselves drink it anyway, for the "buzz" effects.

I didn't drink after that until a year later, at age seventeen, during the summer of my high school graduation. I remember one party in particular, there were a few kegs of beer visible, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Absolutely no one there was without a beer in hand. Many of my peers were happily edging me on to drink, partly because they had never seen me at any party before, let alone drinking. I couldn’t stand the taste, but at the time I was so nervous and wanting to fit in that I started to gulp cup after cup. Doing this "earned" me the acceptance and praise I sought from my peers. At the time this praise seemed well worth the cost of imbibing something that tasted awful and didn't even give me the hangover effects that I'd heard so many people talk about. I continued this behavior every few weekends that summer and gradually "acquired" a taste for beer, more or less.

My drinking intensified when I went to college at Long Island University the following Fall. I was raised in a quiet little town in upstate New York, being rather introverted and very much a "homebody", so this drastic change of environment was an extreme shock to my system. In college I quickly gained the reputation of being one of the heaviest drinkers on a campus of 1800 students. Drinking was the only way I could be "comfortable" with these very different people. I figured I wasn’t an alcoholic because I only drank on the weekends — weekends for me being Thursday afternoon through Sunday.

Although I didn’t keep track, I can safely say that I averaged about two large bottles of Vodka, my drug of choice, during each three day "weekend" period. On the nights it wasn’t vodka, it would be some kind of beer, and always somewhere between 12 and 20 bottles. This pattern of drinking during college semesters continued  until I dropped out near the end of my fourth semester, and somewhere during this time I lost my immunity to hangovers.

So, you may ask, how about when college wasn't in session? During my two summer breaks from LIU I worked as a laborer for my father's heavy construction company. Each summer he had me at a job that was so far from my home that I lived in a hotel during the week. I worked physically grueling ten to twelve hour days and then promptly went to my room to shower, change clothes, go out to dinner and get drunk with my fellow construction pals. Imagine fifteen or so stereotypically gruff, obnoxious and heavily drinking construction workers, all of whom are considerably older than myself and more than happy to buy a few drinks for the bosses son. I did this pretty much every weeknight, usually getting only a few hours sleep and occasionally going to work right from the bar. The weekend partying with my longtime friends from high school was comparably restful.

Over the next eight years many things changed in my life, including moving to California for a third attempt at college, of which I also eventually dropped out. One thing that hadn't changed much was my drinking habits, although the quantities lessoned a little and the hangovers intensified a lot.

On August 26, 1995, at the age of 25, my life unexpectedly changed dramatically, in ways that I could never have anticipated or imagined beforehand. That evening someone walked into my life that almost immediately turned everything I thought I knew completely upside down. When I reached out to shake Terry's hand I was wildly trembling inside and out, some part of me knowing that it would soon get a chance to begin living and expressing in more joyous ways. Had I followed my feelings, I would have hugged him, and held on tight. It was such an emotional experience for me that I wondered if I might literally explode. But my mentality was far too frightened to let anything like this happen.

Nonetheless, something inside me had been awakened, and it was now vibrating with an intensity that could not much longer be held down and contained. Within only a few days I had actually become excited about being alive, remembering that as a youth I had often dreamed about such wonderful possibilities. But I had forgotten those idyllic dreams as my judgments about adulthood and having to be a hard, insensitive and practical man engulfed me. Now, suddenly, all those important, self-imposed judgmental requirements were taking a back seat, as an inexplicable exhilaration percolated throughout me. Before a week was up I had made up my mind to begin an inner awareness journey, and to really get to know my true self again.

At first I continued to live my life pretty much the same way. The only obviously visible difference was that I had two people (Terry and Audrey) move into the big, old house where I had been living alone. Immediately there were many long, intense conversations about all of this awareness work. I had begun to learn things about how consciousness worked that excited me, and that allowed me to know that I could have life as I wanted it, instead of making myself a victim to all of the things around me that I hated and had not been able to escape.

Terry and Audrey gave me complete freedom to live exactly as I wanted, without any hint of interference. There was no pressure or coaxing from either of them for me to change. I had been so used to being constantly ordered about by my father and others regarding what to do that this kind of freedom was an incredible and wonderful reversal from what I was used to experiencing. Already my life was turning upside down in wonderful ways, but, ironically, I wasn't aware that it was my choice to become aware that was creating these changes.

During this time I also began having strange physical "stirrings" rising up inside of me, most of them quite wonderful and exciting to feel. I began to notice that I was becoming more aware of my interactions with people and the world around me in general. I was noticing not only what I thought of myself, people and things around me, but how I truly felt about everything, too. To my surprise, what I thought and what I felt were usually not in agreement, most of the time the two sides were very antagonistic towards each other. Then, about six or seven months into my "new beginning," something even more startling began to occur.

One night an old buddy and I went to a favorite bar where a bartender friend  promptly poured me a tall glass of my usual beer. About half way through this first beer my head began to ache and I was feeling a bit nauseous. I immediately thought that it was the additives in the beer and ordered a vodka tonic instead. I didn’t feel completely "better" after that, but some of the yucky feelings did seem to go away. I didn’t think much more about it that night, even though I drank a little bit more.

My next drinking spree was a week later at the same bar with the same kind of beer as the previous time. I was curious to see if the beer would have the same effect on me as before, or if maybe I just hadn't been feeling well on the night of the previous week. I took one sip and got such a headache and a sickened, dizzy feeling that I told the bartender to take it away. I was so affected by that single sip that there was no chance of having anything else for the rest of that night. As I now look back on that moment, which I can still see and feel fairly clearly, I know that if I had been paying attention to how I had felt inside as I watched the bartender pour that beer, I would never have touched it to begin with. I was feeling sickened just at the sight of it. For months after that, even the thought of drinking alcohol would make my head and stomach ache.

I only drank one more time a few months after those two experiences. I had gone out with a friend and quickly consumed about eight or ten beers. I had a fun time that night, although I was simultaneously becoming aware of many things new to me. The most astounding thing I noticed was that there was a part of me that was observing myself and my interactions with everything and everyone around me. I felt as if there was another consciousness hovering inside of my body, quite separate from the drinking and partying part of me, and that just seemed to watch and notice things that the partying part of me did not, or did not want to notice.

By paying attention to this newfound "observer part," I realized that this evening of partying was nothing more than a replay, similar to every previous time I had gone to a party or a bar. I was doing the same things, repeating my actions for the same reasons over and over again, just like a robot, as with every other time I had gone out drinking. I could see and feel that none of my partying had ever fulfilled or satisfied anything in me. I noticed how boring it all was to me, how shallow everyone felt and how nerve wracking it really was to immerse myself in the middle of all of the ear shattering noise and manipulative games the people were playing. I also noticed just how hard I had to work to pretend that I was having a good time, and that I wouldn't be able to keep myself there without numbing and killing my senses with alcohol, loud noise and a myriad of colorful distractions.

The next day I had a mild hangover…nothing much compared to some real doozies that I’d experienced before, but I was done, my drinking days were suddenly over, although I did not yet know it. I did not get up the morning after and say, "I’m never drinking again." I did not say anything about drinking…I just went about "life as usual." When the next weekend rolled around I went out, but I didn’t feel like drinking. I wasn’t drawn to drinking and I wasn’t repelled by it in any way…I just did not want to drink. The same feelings continued on and on, until I finally got bored going out to bars once and for all.

Recently, about three and a half years after my last drink, I saw a bottle of what used to be my favorite beer. It was a thick, dark, stout ale. I bought a bottle of it and brought it home as an experiment, to see what effect it would have on me. I did no more than wet my lips and tongue with a few drops and felt my mental faculties become immediately dulled and numb. The change was very dramatic! The feeling was similar  to how the average person who drinks would feel after two or three drinks…a bit lightheaded and "numbed" of certain senses, and I also had the early stages of an achiness in my head that I definitely did not want to stimulate any further. I had no doubt that imbibing even one mouthful of that beer would create an intense, pounding pain if I were to continue.r>
So, there I was, with no feeling of wanting to drink, and my body was screaming at me to stop before I had really begun my experiment. As a result, it has come to be that I have no desire to perform any more drinking "experiments," or do anything that involves putting any kind of alcohol into my body. If I ever find myself with an unquenchable desire to have a beer or other alcoholic drink in the future, however, I am willing to satisfy the urge if it feels like the thing to do, but not until then.

R. I.
July, 1999

More Than Meets the Eye . . .

While the above story may seem too good to be true, especially for anyone who has been fighting and losing the battle against an addiction, it is a very common and predictable outcome in this awareness work. But for sure, there is a lot more going on than may be obvious to someone new to awareness work. To get the kind of easy and wonderful results Rich experienced takes a lot more than just sitting around in a neat little circle mentally hashing out any supposed problems. For anyone who keeps awareness work strictly mental, or civilized, which is all most people know how to do, leaving out the Will and its feelings, there will never be the "automatic" and generally effortless kind of results depicted above, no matter how much someone may declare they want them.

Rich's awareness process has never been a strictly mental one, although he was not conscious of this in the beginning. A lot of things were going on constantly outside the scope of his immediate awareness, which provided an enormous acceleration in his day to day progress, much of it due to his daily interactions with me. A Will connection between Rich and myself more or less established itself from the get-go, an indication that something within Rich had a strong determination to live and resuscitate itself, in spite of any lingering mental resistance. Once this connection was firmly established, within weeks "lost" portions of his mentality just began spontaneously bursting open and evolving, which, in turn, allowed conspicuous Will movements and releases. All this was occurring long before Rich had any clear idea of what awareness work was, or even what the Will might be.

He was essentially riding along on my awareness coattails, reaping the benefits, while loving the inner discoveries that were turning his formerly hopeless and dreary life into one of exciting adventure and accomplishment. But his amazing progress was not all up to me. His unrelenting inquisitiveness and openness, coupled with a mentality that enjoyed understanding and applying new awareness tools and ideas played a major role, too, because without this eager thirst and cooperation no changes would have been allowed.

Rich is not a special or unique case, although he is special in the sense that he is definitely choosing to fully live. It seems to me that virtually anyone could accomplish the same kind of swift awareness progress, especially under similar circumstances. However, few will allow it, running away instead, due to being afraid of themselves and what they might discover, dripping with one stupid excuse after another, each one designed to keep themselves stuck and dead.

As for Rich, already he is able to excite "lost" energies in other people, similarly to myself, bringing these energies into clear view where they can be easily resolved if the awareness candidate chooses to do so. This kind of reflection, showing how our lifestyle spontaneously begets an ever greater abundance of life, is a wonderful indication of just how effective this awareness work actually is, at least for anyone who truly wants to fully live and forever enjoy life.

As for myself, just like Rich, I am resolving "lost" parts of myself, too, although, at least for the moment, it is on a more cosmic level. I am now in the final stages of resolving a many lifetimes old addiction about feeling obliged to help, which is what caused me to come to Earth in the first place, that is, being addicted to fixing what I could not fix because it was not mine to change. It has taken me maybe six years of awareness work to get to the point were all of the remaining unresolved energy making up this particular addiction will easily fit within the confines of my re-expanding awareness. As I write these words, I can observe it glowing, rearranging and sorting itself out, it being filled with a matrix of interconnected images and choices.

This discrete block of returning judgmental energy and I both know that resolution and release is not far off. In the meantime, it trusts me implicitly to not interfere with its own needs, as it rests safely within my mentality, untangling itself, preparing for the changes that are to come. It has clearly revealed itself, allowing me to observe in detail what it holds and why, as it goes through its own sorting out and preliminary resolution process. When it is ready, and not before, the core decision will reveal itself. Then, the magical moment will be at hand, when it and the rest of my mentality can fully understand each other, and happily touch and merge together again as one, mutually aligning and resolving any remaining choices that are obviously no longer wanted by either this formerly fragmented energy or myself.

Then, probably very soon after this mutual release and reintegration occurs, whatever the addiction was hiding will be obvious and can be understood and resolved, too. This series of resolutions will have forever eliminated a fundamental reason I forced myself to come to Earth, as well as why I have kept myself stuck here, preparing me for the next step that will face me in my awareness adventure.

July 12, 1999

Addendum of July 18, 1999

This morning the core decision hidden beneath the above mentioned addiction became apparent, glowing softly in the center of my head. Basically, the core decision consisted of a series of several interrelated and interconnected choices, each one about judging that I needed to protect and hold intact energy that had become separated (or fragmented out of a parental source) and made to be something new, either in personality and/or shape. That "new" entity could be a person, or any kind of "living" entity, as well as some kind of so-called inanimate substance, too, such as a piece of man-made machinery.

By evening, these core addictive choices were beginning to wane, as resolution and release progressed, and their connection to much earlier decisions was becoming clear, too. In the aftermath of my original emergence as an individualized entity I was feeling confused, isolated and adrift, and would have liked some kind of comforting protection from the reality I suddenly found myself inhabiting, these desires and the choices they spawned leading up to the much later addictive choices now in resolution. Thus, once again, I could easily see how my life experience of today was solidly based upon something that happened during my beginning moments, and the way I misunderstood and chose to judge the events that created it. For more on my "beginning" go to In The Beginning . . .

Addendum of July 19, 1999

By this morning it was already becoming difficult to talk or write about the core addictive choices that had emerged. They are now perhaps 80% resolved and released, which leaves me with little active residue for my mentality to see, or to recall the fading and soon to be gone choices that once ruled my life. I can feel the power they had receding. Within a few days there will probably be nothing remaining but a mental void where these rigid judgmental choices used to be. Thus, this is probably the last I will write about them, since, within a few days, there will probably be nothing remaining to remember, and another bit of my past will be forever gone.