Finding My Fragmentation Boundaries

Stepping Beyond My Current Limitations

There is a simple process called fragmentation that occurs when someone chooses to dislike and then sooner or later deny any part of themselves. Moreover, the effects of such fragmentation usually go quite unnoticed, or if recognized the effects are not seen as the result of fragmentation, even though the process of division through the mechanism of denial, if and when continued indefinitely, can eventually result in the extinction of the parental entity. This self-induced trend toward powerlessness and eventual death is akin to putting a live frog in a pot of tepid water, and then gradually raising the temperature until the frog is boiled to death. Likewise, the gradual loss of awareness through fragmentation and the creeping numbness that accompanies it tends to mask what is happening, partially because the awareness, power and sensitivity required to see and feel the loss is lost along with a denial. This creates a death-trap situation whereby, step by denial step, the entity loses the ability to notice its approaching extinction, unless it somehow jars itself awake and uses what little awareness remains to discover its plight, and then find a way to halt and reverse the downward spiral.

Discovering and learning how to use the mechanics of consciousness in order to halt and reverse the process, however, is mightily difficult to do on one's own accord when little awareness and power remains. However, if the desire to live is strong and unabated, miracles can happen, such as a teacher appearing who already understands fragmentation and how to halt and reverse the causal denials. Still, before anything beneficial could happen, the dying entity must be eagerly willing to learn from the teacher and apply what is given, and not argue or fight the lesson in any way, or there may not be sufficient time to bring about a recovery, the entity suffering extinction due to habitual desire to deny itself. So, then, exactly what is fragmentation?

Looking To the Stars For Answers

A long time ago I realized that a good way to see how fragmented and limited I have made myself was to step outside and look up into the night sky. Then, gazing upward at the awesome grandeur and expanse, I would observe how tiny and how comparatively insignificant I was in relation to the immense cosmos that surrounded me. Feeling and knowing that I was once a part of it all, the ancient remnants of that long ago time still tingling in my core, now I am almost no part of it at all. Nonetheless, by simply observing my current relationship to the entire universe I am able to use what I see and feel as a kind of measuring stick that permits me to deduce how much of my original awareness and power has been lost, and, consequently, how far I have yet to go in finding and recovering my former majesty and totality.

Realizing the magnitude of the work before me is exhilarating, paving the way for a very exciting and rewarding adventure that will probably last for a long, long time. Moreover, the apparent length of my journey to get myself "home" provides me with a lot of incentive to do whatever it takes to recover my lost awareness and power, as I work to discover how to undo what I have ignorantly created and do not like. But undo what? Everything, all the way back to the beginning! To provide a meager idea of what I mean by beginning, here is a brief examination of the original fragmentation event, which generated this Creation (or what I currently experience as the universe). The primary denial induced fragmentation began as a simple irritation or dislike, which quickly evolved into a classic judgmental acceleration. By definition, a judgmental acceleration is when an experience of some kind causes the entity involved to make a more or less permanent choice, a judgment, which is nothing more than a choice pro or con in regards to something. That first judgment causes a reaction for which another, slightly stronger judgment is made, which in turn causes some kind of yet stronger reaction for which the response is an even more powerful judgment. Thus, a cycle of judgmental demands coupled with responsive actions compounds itself, building in strength and power until the energy available is consumed and the whole process comes to rest.

Today, people on Earth generally do not have enough energy remaining for much to happen, other than some panic and a smattering of unpleasant feelings. But this was not the case at the beginning of this Creation, when the originating parental entity had at its disposal what could be considered to be an almost unlimited source of energy. In this primal instance, one judgment continually begat the next ever more powerful judgment with the process quickly generating levels of pandemonium and seizing terror that prevented this original parental being from any hope of stopping what was overtaking it. The process very quickly reached a threshold point whereby waves of rampant misunderstanding mixed with wild panic pulsed throughout the whole, unleashing a torrent of powerful new judgmental choices that roared out of control and generated such searing fear and horrific terror that it permeated the whole, and which still remains buried at the core of each of the child fragments soon to be generated. The acceleration's end result was an explosive and massive fragmentation sequence that literally created a new universe, one littered with diverse fragments or bits of living energy that were now disconnected from the original whole, as well as each other.

In such a massive conflagration of judgmental confusion, interlaced with all kinds of feelings, including abject horror and terror, it would be normal to have many, many localized areas of disturbance that were nearly unique to all other regions, so that a fragment child result from one localized area might not have much, if anything, in common with a fragment of energy expelled from another region. Nonetheless, in all regions there would be some commonality, such as an imbedded fear of never allowing oneself the power to initiate this kind of movement ever again. Thus it was that each resulting fragment carried mental imprinting and experiences somewhat specific to that particular piece, and that would subsequently be passed down by some degree to future, less powerful fragmentations yet to follow. This meant that each newly individualized dollop of essence resulting from this initial incident would follow differing evolutionary paths, creating life experiences and realities appropriate for their specific mental imprinting, which could be very different from anything I might be able to understand or respond to in the case of any attempted communication.

Alone in the Dark

After the power unleashed in the acceleration had exhausted itself and the fragmentation dust had settled I distinctly remember "waking up" in a universe that was completely unfamiliar to me and that had not existed before the previously integrated wholeness had blown itself apart. It is a gross understatement to say that I was feeling lost, alone and much, much smaller and less powerful than I had before. But the intimidating changes that then suddenly surrounded me are easily understandable in hind sight, being that most of what I had been part of was now newly scattered over a new universe, with most of it very much gone from my immediate awareness and reach. But this was far from the last fragmentation event to tear me apart, although all such fragmentations have been much less dramatic, as could be expected, due to less total energy being available. Nonetheless, the end results from each little successive fragmentation have been devastating, as my completeness and personal power were further depleted each time I lost a bit more of myself.

The mechanism of fragmentation that causes parental essence to break apart is very simple. The process begins with some level of discord. As the disharmony between two or more regions within the parental essence intensifies internal lines of demarcation trace a path along the edges of "areas of incompatibility." Unless resolution of any disharmony is resolved before a threshold point is reached, it is only a matter of time before the repulsive forces generated between the two regions cause a rupture, and a fragment child is thus born. The parent will be weaker and the child will tend to contain ideas and imprinting that the parent chooses to deny, due to the parent wanting to be rid of those parts. In this manner, a succession of fragmentations produces children that are increasingly diminished in ability and awareness, and who will additionally be more and more inflexible in their mental outlook and demands.

Touching Upon My Own Fragment Edges

Being bathed in soothingly warm water has always been a superb awareness tool for me, the energy of it peacefully enabling wonderful excursions into the mysterious core of my mentality, and then sometimes on into other enigmatic worlds that flow undisturbed into the soft openness the water inspires. After only a few minutes in the shower today my mentality relaxed and poured forth visuals and insights like a bouquet of ripened buds, each one becoming a colorful and deliciously fragrant blossom that shimmered with some kind of dazzling new understanding. Today, however, the inner adventure was somewhat different than anything I had encountered before, allowing me to see and experience with astonishing clarity and feeling the actual edge boundaries of my own mentality, and consequently understand some of its limits to yet greater awareness. These current limits, which I can easily expand by recovering denied and lost portions of myself, were due to countless fragmentation events of varying magnitude that essentially fractured and then pushed away "unwanted" portions of my mentality. Each fragmentation event created new and smaller boundaries, causing me to experience less mental capability and awareness depending upon the amount and type of mental energy I had denied out of myself. And although fragmentation events and their associated mechanisms were all things I had known about and worked with for a long time, I had never before seen the severed edges of what remained of my own mentality so clearly and perfectly as now.

The reason why I could suddenly see my mental "edges" so clearly was probably due in large part to some very specific conditions that are currently confronting me, and that I am now ready to deal with and resolve. Moreover, the glue that is holding me to the lesson at hand is my parents, who are elderly and suffering from some degenerative health problems. In spite of the difficulties to be faced, I am enjoying helping and working with them, and it is a wonderful awareness experience, too, as well as a service to them during some difficult times. During the course of my daily activities I constantly notice many things that they could easily do to make their life very much easier, happier and that would also resolve at least some of their wearisome health problems. But my suggestions largely go unheeded, no matter how simple, clear and emphatic I might make them. What I say seems logical and simple enough to me, but it appears to be beyond their ability to hear or recognize any value whatsoever.

Why? Why is it that they could not, or would not, hear and/or respond to certain ideas? It seemed to me that giving them easy and logical ways to resolve much of their pain and misery would be welcome. But no, there is no welcome. Talking to them in regards to certain awareness and health oriented ideas is like throwing a sparkling gold nugget into a black hole—it just disappears into the dark void, seemingly without a trace. Like my golden metaphor, my words simply vanished into thin air, striking no chord, as though I had not spoken anything at all. There was no sign of either recognition or rejection, just emptiness and a blankness in their stare. I wondered if a mouth full of incomprehensible gibberish would have created more of a response.

Day after day I watched my parents turn away certain kinds of assistance that I and others patiently offered. Yet only minutes after a solution was suggested they might again complain about the very thing that would have been resolved if they had paid attention to what had already been said, and that had usually been repeated many times before. The continuing reflection of "non-reaction" to what was said was perplexing to me, although I was eagerly looking for my own inner correlations. Then, today, in the shower the reflection become clear: I could clearly see the effect my own fragmentation boundaries had on my awareness and on my ability to respond, possibly preventing me from hearing and reacting to communications from outside of my own fragmentally induced limits. Thus it was that the apparent inability for recognition that my parents so clearly reflected was a reflection showing me that same kind of thing within my own inner reality, whereby the absence of certain fragmentally lost constituents similarly prevented me from hearing and responding to certain messages that might be to my benefit.

Finding these fragmentation limits within myself was a welcome relief for sure, because now I had a tangible way to actually zero in on parts of my mentality that had been hidden from me up till now, and then "reverse" feel the actual fragmented "edges" of my mental limits. Consequently, by feeling what was missing I could for the first time deduce what kind of mental capabilities and experiential content laid beyond my current mental boundaries, and that had once been joined at a particular fragmentation edge. And very importantly, I could now begin a process of logically recovering specific segments of lost mentality, parts that I very much needed in order to quickly expand beyond my current limitations, and to do so in a methodical and premeditated way. Up to this time recoveries of lost essence had been quite haphazard, and although each "random" piece reunited was critical to my overall progress, the pieces recovered were more by chance than by design, and definitely not a planned recovery that would have expedited smooth and fast awareness advances. Now I could work to expedite my recovery process more efficiently, with more opportunity to know and understand beforehand what I ought to pay attention to and call back.

This whole adventure with my parents definitely points out the advantages of using everything perceived and experienced as a reflection, and to diligently find inner reality correspondences for outer reality enactments. By doing so, even the most complex intricacies of the inner realm can eventually be understood and resolved, merely by paying attention to what confronts us in our everyday lives.

Terry Hathaway
November 10, 2000